Tourism Critics Gifts

Desert island 'Help' cards

Halfway across the Hudson River Billy Joe realized he wasn't going to Elvis Island.

'You can forget the Captain's table-we're not paying that kind of money just to eat with the crew!'

"If God had meant us to fly, he'd give us more leg room!"

"This cruise is getting a very stern review from me, I can tell you."

"The candy on the pillow is a nicety of the house."

"Perhaps you wouln't have declared so many places 'worth a detour' if you'd held the map right way up!"

How Patrick Moore chooses a hotel..."Hmmm four stars".

"Once again, how little did you pay for this room?"

Excess Baggage: Many hotels, inspired by the airlines are gouging their guests by adding 'resort fees' to the room rates.

"I've just about had it with these corporate retreats."

"A large donation usually calms him down."

"The whole thing's much smaller than it seemed on TV."

"Actually, take us to your gift shop first."

Pussycat says to Owl: 'This is rubbish, can we PLEASE do Ibiza next year?'

"I think I see it, guys!" "That's a rock." "Look! A dead snake." "Here's an old balloon... I think!" "World's smallest ball of twine."

'Memo: Cancel flight.'

Up Pariscope.

Nothing to Lose But Our Knees

'It's bad enough that the stupid cruise ship didn't pick us up...'

"I thought you said you paid extra for a cabinet with a Seaview."

Foreclosure.

Galley Plane.

Frank and Ernest's tips for travelers. When traveling makes you congested ... call rheum service. Sniff.

'An authentic Viking experience, you said. The cruise of a lifetime, you said. It'll be awesome, you said.'

"You should have been more specific when you booked a room with a sea view."

'I already work for food. I just want to try a cheeseburger for once!!'

"Animals? Yes, sir, we're working on that."

Hotel: Price List

"I'm starting to think those rave reviews about this place are rigged."

"Can you believe my parents? Taking a 2-week cruise on my future inheritance!"

'In retrospect, we should never have booked this titanic-themed cruise.'

'Tunnel of divorce'

"Show-off!"

'That's the last time you talk me into one of these party cruises!'