New Job For A Hotel Critic Pillows

How Patrick Moore chooses a hotel..."Hmmm four stars".

"I know you didn't order the snails, sir. They're complimentary with the salad."

"And which regional cuisine would you be interested in this evening—Northwester, Southwestern, Southeastern, or Northeastern?"

"War is hell and so is this soup."

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

"If God had meant us to fly, he'd give us more leg room!"

'Waiter...my entrée fell over.'

Your lobster was off!

"I've never heard of it, either, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, I always say!"

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

"How fresh is the calamari?"

"This cruise is getting a very stern review from me, I can tell you."

'He doesn't ask for a menu... he asks for an estimate!'

"I like to sit facing the room to see if anyone seated after us gets served before us."

"The soup of the day is pineapple with a hint of rum."

'It's my favorite.'

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

"You have a big check because you had a big wine."

'Wine, high octane grape juice.'

'Strong curry for two and a fire-extinguisher.'

"We'll start with the appetizer, move on to the entree, and then finish up with dessert."

Newark by Night. A new Dutch restaurant just opened. What do you know about Dutch cuisine? Nothing. But I'm a big fan of the "Dutch Treat" concept.

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

"Your meal sounded nice."

"The prices they charge here, you'd expect them to have an oven not just a gas ring!"

"For dessert, absolutely no flambé!"

"I think we'll pass up the Château Mouton-Rothschild '34."

"The candy on the pillow is a nicety of the house."

'I really don't know why we bother coming here - the food's always crap.'

"Perhaps you wouln't have declared so many places 'worth a detour' if you'd held the map right way up!"

Pick Your Own Baby Lamb Chop

'The braised toucan was fine...although I found the bill a little large.'

"Can I interest you in a great white?"

Seafood: "Of course our food is fresh."