Hotel Review Aficionado Gifts

"I'm not having my baby here, it's only got one star."

"After years of cartoon rejections, Bill stooped to trying a little shameless product placement."

We're here at House of Java cafe at an all-too-familiar scene. House of Java.net Cybercafe. Tommy Jones, a local boy, has been caught stealing a scone. A minor offense? Not to the cafe's proprietor. He's demanding the boy be sentenced as an adult. But I'm eight! Wahhh! Add a year to the sentence for whining and crying.

Joe's Kaff for Dinners! And Afters Too!

"Two vegans, please."

"Tracy Island offers palatial splendour in the safest of environments. Your beds are unmade because this is Tracy Emin Island."

Ye Old Cafe: No Coffee Today - Sore Arm!

"Enjoy your stay at the Bat Hotel. Breakfast is at 7 a.m. The guano bucket is down the hall and to the left."

"The health of Mr. Putin is very good!"

'If you can tell the difference between good advice and bad advice, you don't need advice.'

"We're at the Grand Marina Hotel in Barcelona. Some sheepdog you turned out to be."

"Only time can heal a broken heart, Brenda, and fortunately I have the time, every Thursday at three o'clock."

"Here’s the thermostat. Like all hotel thermostats, it’s just for show."

"Obviously, sir, it's a very discerning, vegetarian fly."

Cut out and keep your own Room Service.

"Shoot, I forgot this place has early checkout."

Teacher removes 'School Paper' sign and replaces it with 'School Blog' sign.

"Hypochondriac's handbook. A little passion project I'm working on;, or, rather, I would be working on."

"Yoga has helped me appreciate the healing power of donuts."

'look at this hotel. They leave a ball of yarn on your pillow!'

'What a bargain!'

"Continental breakfast, daily telegraph and morning after pill"

'I really felt at home there. The food was awful!'

'I don't know if we should stay there, dear. That kennel only got two stars.'

Sparrow Hilton

Room service.

'Did you drop this £20 note, Sir?' 'Ooh, YES!' 'That will be a £50 fine.'

"I'm so sorry, there is nothing I can do for him anymore...he must have been offline for at least 10 hours..."

'Room service? Please send up some fish oil.'

Harbor Hotel: 'Absolutely NO swashbuckling after 10 PM'.

"Mind if I take a bath first, pet."

"I'm told the omelettes here have a broader purpose."

"I'd like to leave a wake up call for, . ... OHH ..., April."

Scene of Grime murder in greasy spoon cafe.

'I brought my mini bar with me.'