Restaurant Critic Gifts

'We're going to look pretty stupid if it's not a Michelin star.'

It's a Gordon Ramsay recipe, so if you don't ****** like it you can ******* off.

"And what would suggest, Mr Smartie pants"

'Our menu is divided into three sections: Cancer causing foods, artery clogging foods, and foods that are being boycotted for political or environmental reasons.'

'Hey, I told you this place wasn't easy to get into.'

'There's an inspector here from the Board of Health who would like to see the chicken soup.'

"The food's fine, but the theme's a little over done."

"Tonight's specials include beef wellington (long regarded as a major source of cholesterol and saturated fat), Cajun-style swordfish (suspected of containing PCBs and toxic metals), and chicken teriyaki (recent increase in the incidence of salmonella whi

"We need a DNA sample to ensure your meal is compatible with our microbiome."

'I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid that's inappropriate.'

"I think we'll pass up the Château Mouton-Rothschild '34."

'Hommes.'

We Welcome Feedback.

"Hey!-This looks like a good place!"

'The special tonight is a filet of sole, sauteed in haste and served with an air of arch indifference.'

"Actually, it really was the Ploughman's lunch!"

'...may I suggest that you stick to the English version of the menu!' - Man accidently orders a turbo-charged wheel barrow with a flat tyre filled with nuclear waste.

"How did I find my steak? Well I lifted up a roast potato and there it was."

"Relax sir, I'm sure chef barely remembers you posting a negative review online."

'Will there be anything else, sir?'

'I told you not to order the chocolate cream surprise.'

Sportscaster dines out

Oh but this is a theme restaurant. Our theme is keeping people like you out.

"Vindaloo hot enough for sir?"

EAT: Ambience-free cusine

'It needs more barrel again, and believe me, I know - I used to be one.'

'Today's entrees are the Breast with Thyme, and the Wurst with Thyme.'

This is a very honest wine.

'I really don't know why we bother coming here - the food's always crap.'

"I hope we get a good review."

'Your bouquet sucks and your body is flabby.'

What keeps me at my best is the feeling that anyone of them might be a restaurant critic.

Expectations vs. reality

"You think you're so damn Cordon Bleu!"

"Pat? de fois gras avec des petits pois et pommes de terre au gratin? Very well, sir ? is generic okay?"