Restaurant Critic Aficionado Gifts

Would you convey my compliments to the fly steward? Actually, we call him "the fly wrangler."

Please tip in advance.

"I know you didn't order the snails, sir. They're complimentary with the salad."

"And which regional cuisine would you be interested in this evening—Northwester, Southwestern, Southeastern, or Northeastern?"

La Table

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

"War is hell and so is this soup."

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

"Vindaloo hot enough?"

Your lobster was off!

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

"And I'll have that lightly sedated, please."

'He doesn't ask for a menu... he asks for an estimate!'

"How fresh is the calamari?"

"I've never heard of it, either, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, I always say!"

"Is the asparagus farm-raised or wild-caught?"

"The soup of the day is pineapple with a hint of rum."

'It's my favorite.'

'Wine, high octane grape juice.'

"I like to sit facing the room to see if anyone seated after us gets served before us."

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

'Strong curry for two and a fire-extinguisher.'

"Your meal sounded nice."

"For dessert, absolutely no flambé!"

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

'Pass the salt, will ya, buddy?'

"We'll start with the appetizer, move on to the entree, and then finish up with dessert."

'I'm sorry, sir, but it's hats off for the Chef's Special!'

Newark by Night. A new Dutch restaurant just opened. What do you know about Dutch cuisine? Nothing. But I'm a big fan of the "Dutch Treat" concept.

"Hey! There's a hair in my soup!"

"The prices they charge here, you'd expect them to have an oven not just a gas ring!"

"I think we'll pass up the Château Mouton-Rothschild '34."

'I really don't know why we bother coming here - the food's always crap.'

"I can't hurry when ordering. There's a lot of ecological geopolitics involved here."

'The braised toucan was fine...although I found the bill a little large.'