Restaurant Critic With Humor Gifts

'Scuse me, but my chicken's a bit too tough.'

"I know you didn't order the snails, sir. They're complimentary with the salad."

"And which regional cuisine would you be interested in this evening—Northwester, Southwestern, Southeastern, or Northeastern?"

"War is hell and so is this soup."

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

"How fresh is the calamari?"

Your lobster was off!

Dog Dressed to Eat

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

"Can Johnny come out and eat?"

"I've never heard of it, either, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, I always say!"

'He doesn't ask for a menu... he asks for an estimate!'

'It's my favorite.'

"The soup of the day is pineapple with a hint of rum."

"I like to sit facing the room to see if anyone seated after us gets served before us."

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

'Wine, high octane grape juice.'

'Strong curry for two and a fire-extinguisher.'

"For dessert, absolutely no flambé!"

"Your meal sounded nice."

"We'll start with the appetizer, move on to the entree, and then finish up with dessert."

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

"The prices they charge here, you'd expect them to have an oven not just a gas ring!"

"I think we'll pass up the Château Mouton-Rothschild '34."

Seafood: "Of course our food is fresh."

Tuna Salad, Meat Loaf, Cheese Omelet and Bean Soup

"I can't hurry when ordering. There's a lot of ecological geopolitics involved here."

"Can I interest you in a great white?"

"Perhaps you wouln't have declared so many places 'worth a detour' if you'd held the map right way up!"

"This deserves an Instagram photo. Would you mind taking a picture of someone washing the dishes when I'm done?"

Pick Your Own Baby Lamb Chop

'The braised toucan was fine...although I found the bill a little large.'