Restaurant Critic With A Funny Bone Gifts

'He said it could be about 45 minutes, due to the global economic slowdown.'

'Put an egg in the bowl and beat it with the whisk.'

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

"I know you didn't order the snails, sir. They're complimentary with the salad."

"And which regional cuisine would you be interested in this evening—Northwester, Southwestern, Southeastern, or Northeastern?"

"War is hell and so is this soup."

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

"How fresh is the calamari?"

Your lobster was off!

"Waiter, there's a weapon of mass destruction in my soup!"

"Can Johnny come out and eat?"

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

'He doesn't ask for a menu... he asks for an estimate!'

"I've never heard of it, either, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, I always say!"

"Yo - I'm way overdone in here!"

"The soup of the day is pineapple with a hint of rum."

'It's my favorite.'

'Wine, high octane grape juice.'

"I like to sit facing the room to see if anyone seated after us gets served before us."

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

'Strong curry for two and a fire-extinguisher.'

"Your meal sounded nice."

"The prices they charge here, you'd expect them to have an oven not just a gas ring!"

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

"We'll start with the appetizer, move on to the entree, and then finish up with dessert."

"For dessert, absolutely no flambé!"

"I think we'll pass up the Château Mouton-Rothschild '34."

Pick Your Own Baby Lamb Chop

Seafood: "Of course our food is fresh."

"Perhaps you wouln't have declared so many places 'worth a detour' if you'd held the map right way up!"

"Can I interest you in a great white?"

'The braised toucan was fine...although I found the bill a little large.'