Restaurant Critic Laugh-seeker Gifts

'Good evening sir, I hope you haven't been waiting long.'

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

"Waiter, there's a man bun in my soup."

"Page 1 is 'Best-Sellers.' Page 2 is 'Advice, How-To, and Miscellaneous,' and on the back is 'And Bear in Mind.' "

"I recommend the salad, fatty"

Hugo's in a peevish mood today, I'd finish that broccoli if I were you

"My name's Aldred and I'll be your server this evening."

"Now, if you're feeling adventurous we can undercook the chicken."

"Oh, but it's fine for you to hang out where I eat."

'What's this about the food tasting funny?'

"Yes sir, this is half a steak. The guest who had it yesterday wasn't very hungry."

'He said it could be about 45 minutes, due to the global economic slowdown.'

"We've had to update our restaurant's motto."

'The service here is abominable!'

"Oh waiter! Will you pass me the anticoagulant please?"

'I know I'm getting lots of complements, but the damn waiters are conspiring to not tell me!'

... Harold at the stomach pump.

"You can have my doggie bag as a tip."

'There's a fifteen minute wait for people we like, and a forty five minute wait for people like you.'

'This place is a tip.'

'No, the fish isn't battered - the cook just roughs it up a bit!'

"What wine would you recommend to go with male chauvinist pork?"

The Corner Dive.

Sound horn for service.

Well, do you have anything with 'fly' in it?

I know it says 'All you can eat', but that only applies to what's on the menu!

'A table near an open window, please.'

". . . The chef looks like he could spit on my food."

'Who ordered the mushy peas.'