Restaurant Critic Laugh-seeker Gifts

'Good evening sir, I hope you haven't been waiting long.'

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

Newark by Night. A new Dutch restaurant just opened. What do you know about Dutch cuisine? Nothing. But I'm a big fan of the "Dutch Treat" concept.

"Waiter, there's a man bun in my soup."

"Page 1 is 'Best-Sellers.' Page 2 is 'Advice, How-To, and Miscellaneous,' and on the back is 'And Bear in Mind.' "

"I recommend the salad, fatty"

Hugo's in a peevish mood today, I'd finish that broccoli if I were you

"Now, if you're feeling adventurous we can undercook the chicken."

"My name's Aldred and I'll be your server this evening."

Waiter, there's a potato bug in my New England clam chowder. You should have ordered the Manhattan clam chowder

"Oh, but it's fine for you to hang out where I eat."

'What's this about the food tasting funny?'

"Yes sir, this is half a steak. The guest who had it yesterday wasn't very hungry."

'Sorry general, but this is a four star restaurant.'

'He said it could be about 45 minutes, due to the global economic slowdown.'

"We've had to update our restaurant's motto."

'The service here is abominable!'

"Oh waiter! Will you pass me the anticoagulant please?"

'I know I'm getting lots of complements, but the damn waiters are conspiring to not tell me!'

... Harold at the stomach pump.

"You can have my doggie bag as a tip."

'What's the soup of the day?' 'Heinz.'

'There's a fifteen minute wait for people we like, and a forty five minute wait for people like you.'

I know it says 'All you can eat', but that only applies to what's on the menu!

'No, the fish isn't battered - the cook just roughs it up a bit!'

"What wine would you recommend to go with male chauvinist pork?"

The Corner Dive.

Sound horn for service.

'This place is a tip.'

Well, do you have anything with 'fly' in it?

"Do you have a lean cuisine, waiter?"

'A table near an open window, please.'

I don't mind a fly's backstroke. I do mind a fly's back talk.

". . . The chef looks like he could spit on my food."

'Who ordered the mushy peas.'