Restaurant Critic With A Twist Gifts

'There's a fifteen minute wait for people we like, and a forty five minute wait for people like you.'

"Oh, but it's fine for you to hang out where I eat."

'Sorry general, but this is a four star restaurant.'

"Do you have a lean cuisine, waiter?"

"Waiter, there's a man bun in my soup."

"I know you didn't order the snails, sir. They're complimentary with the salad."

"And which regional cuisine would you be interested in this evening—Northwester, Southwestern, Southeastern, or Northeastern?"

"The fish sticks here are very good."

"War is hell and so is this soup."

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

"I've never heard of it, either, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, I always say!"

Your lobster was off!

"How fresh is the calamari?"

'He doesn't ask for a menu... he asks for an estimate!'

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

"The soup of the day is pineapple with a hint of rum."

"I like to sit facing the room to see if anyone seated after us gets served before us."

'It's my favorite.'

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

'Wine, high octane grape juice.'

'Strong curry for two and a fire-extinguisher.'

"Your meal sounded nice."

"We'll start with the appetizer, move on to the entree, and then finish up with dessert."

Newark by Night. A new Dutch restaurant just opened. What do you know about Dutch cuisine? Nothing. But I'm a big fan of the "Dutch Treat" concept.

"Hey, …. what's not to like?"

"For dessert, absolutely no flambé!"

"The prices they charge here, you'd expect them to have an oven not just a gas ring!"

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

"I think we'll pass up the Château Mouton-Rothschild '34."

"Would you like to see the markup?"

'I really don't know why we bother coming here - the food's always crap.'

"And how would you like your steak?"

"Perhaps you wouln't have declared so many places 'worth a detour' if you'd held the map right way up!"

Tuna Salad, Meat Loaf, Cheese Omelet and Bean Soup