Restaurant Critic Rookie Gifts

"Page 1 is 'Best-Sellers.' Page 2 is 'Advice, How-To, and Miscellaneous,' and on the back is 'And Bear in Mind.' "

"I know you didn't order the snails, sir. They're complimentary with the salad."

"And which regional cuisine would you be interested in this evening—Northwester, Southwestern, Southeastern, or Northeastern?"

"The fish sticks here are very good."

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

"War is hell and so is this soup."

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

'He doesn't ask for a menu... he asks for an estimate!'

Dog Dressed to Eat

"I'm new here. How much do we leave for a tip?"

Your lobster was off!

"I've never heard of it, either, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, I always say!"

"How fresh is the calamari?"

"I like to sit facing the room to see if anyone seated after us gets served before us."

'Wine, high octane grape juice.'

"The soup of the day is pineapple with a hint of rum."

'It's my favorite.'

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

'Strong curry for two and a fire-extinguisher.'

Newark by Night. A new Dutch restaurant just opened. What do you know about Dutch cuisine? Nothing. But I'm a big fan of the "Dutch Treat" concept.

"We'll start with the appetizer, move on to the entree, and then finish up with dessert."

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

"Hey, …. what's not to like?"

"Your meal sounded nice."

"The prices they charge here, you'd expect them to have an oven not just a gas ring!"

"For dessert, absolutely no flambé!"

"I think we'll pass up the Château Mouton-Rothschild '34."

"Would you like to see the markup?"

'I really don't know why we bother coming here - the food's always crap.'

"Perhaps you wouln't have declared so many places 'worth a detour' if you'd held the map right way up!"

Pick Your Own Baby Lamb Chop

'The braised toucan was fine...although I found the bill a little large.'

"Can I interest you in a great white?"

Seafood: "Of course our food is fresh."