Restaurant Critic Wannabe Gifts

"Now, if you're feeling adventurous we can undercook the chicken."

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

Newark by Night. A new Dutch restaurant just opened. What do you know about Dutch cuisine? Nothing. But I'm a big fan of the "Dutch Treat" concept.

'The service here is abominable!'

"I know you didn't order the snails, sir. They're complimentary with the salad."

"And which regional cuisine would you be interested in this evening—Northwester, Southwestern, Southeastern, or Northeastern?"

"The fish sticks here are very good."

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

"War is hell and so is this soup."

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

Dog Dressed to Eat

'He doesn't ask for a menu... he asks for an estimate!'

Your lobster was off!

"I've never heard of it, either, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, I always say!"

"How fresh is the calamari?"

'Wine, high octane grape juice.'

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

"The soup of the day is pineapple with a hint of rum."

"I like to sit facing the room to see if anyone seated after us gets served before us."

'It's my favorite.'

'Strong curry for two and a fire-extinguisher.'

"The prices they charge here, you'd expect them to have an oven not just a gas ring!"

"Waiter, this is the worst meal I've ever tasted. And believe me, I've eaten some crap!"

"For dessert, absolutely no flambé!"

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

"Hey, …. what's not to like?"

"Your meal sounded nice."

"We'll start with the appetizer, move on to the entree, and then finish up with dessert."

"I think we'll pass up the Château Mouton-Rothschild '34."

"Would you like to see the markup?"

'I really don't know why we bother coming here - the food's always crap.'

Tuna Salad, Meat Loaf, Cheese Omelet and Bean Soup

"I can't hurry when ordering. There's a lot of ecological geopolitics involved here."

"And how would you like your steak?"

"Perhaps you wouln't have declared so many places 'worth a detour' if you'd held the map right way up!"