Restaurant Critic Rookie T-Shirts

"Page 1 is 'Best-Sellers.' Page 2 is 'Advice, How-To, and Miscellaneous,' and on the back is 'And Bear in Mind.' "

"I know you didn't order the snails, sir. They're complimentary with the salad."

"The fish sticks here are very good."

"And which regional cuisine would you be interested in this evening—Northwester, Southwestern, Southeastern, or Northeastern?"

"War is hell and so is this soup."

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

"How fresh is the calamari?"

Your lobster was off!

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

Dog Dressed to Eat

"I'm new here. How much do we leave for a tip?"

"I've never heard of it, either, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, I always say!"

'He doesn't ask for a menu... he asks for an estimate!'

"I like to sit facing the room to see if anyone seated after us gets served before us."

'It's my favorite.'

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

"The soup of the day is pineapple with a hint of rum."

'Wine, high octane grape juice.'

'Strong curry for two and a fire-extinguisher.'

"For dessert, absolutely no flambé!"

"Your meal sounded nice."

"Hey, …. what's not to like?"

"We'll start with the appetizer, move on to the entree, and then finish up with dessert."

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

"The prices they charge here, you'd expect them to have an oven not just a gas ring!"

"I think we'll pass up the Château Mouton-Rothschild '34."

"Would you like to see the markup?"

Seafood: "Of course our food is fresh."

"Perhaps you wouln't have declared so many places 'worth a detour' if you'd held the map right way up!"

"I can't hurry when ordering. There's a lot of ecological geopolitics involved here."

"Can I interest you in a great white?"

Pick Your Own Baby Lamb Chop

'The braised toucan was fine...although I found the bill a little large.'