Restaurant Critic Undercover T-Shirts

"You didn't say 'excellent choice' when I ordered! What did I do wrong?"

"I know you didn't order the snails, sir. They're complimentary with the salad."

"The fish sticks here are very good."

"And which regional cuisine would you be interested in this evening—Northwester, Southwestern, Southeastern, or Northeastern?"

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

"War is hell and so is this soup."

"Something's wrong with the broccoli. Please take it back to the kitchen and have it genetically modified."

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

At This Restaurant, There Are Only Two Dishes on the Menu and They Both Suck

"I've never heard of it, either, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, I always say!"

'He doesn't ask for a menu... he asks for an estimate!'

"Two burgers, two fries, two martinis—and we'll have those to go."

"How fresh is the calamari?"

Your lobster was off!

"The soup of the day is pineapple with a hint of rum."

'It's my favorite.'

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

"I like to sit facing the room to see if anyone seated after us gets served before us."

'Wine, high octane grape juice.'

'Strong curry for two and a fire-extinguisher.'

"For dessert, absolutely no flambé!"

"We'll start with the appetizer, move on to the entree, and then finish up with dessert."

Newark by Night. A new Dutch restaurant just opened. What do you know about Dutch cuisine? Nothing. But I'm a big fan of the "Dutch Treat" concept.

"The prices they charge here, you'd expect them to have an oven not just a gas ring!"

"Your meal sounded nice."

"Hey, …. what's not to like?"

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

"I think we'll pass up the Château Mouton-Rothschild '34."

"Would you like to see the markup?"

'I really don't know why we bother coming here - the food's always crap.'

Seafood: "Of course our food is fresh."

Pick Your Own Baby Lamb Chop

'The braised toucan was fine...although I found the bill a little large.'

"Can I interest you in a great white?"