Restaurant Critic In Training T-Shirts

'It's not nouvelle cuisine, Monsieur. You've ordered from the children's menu.'

'Table cloth is filthy.' 'We've been open since 1976.'

"I wanted to make sure you were both happy enough with your life to withstand a major setback with your food."

'Meatloaf comes with.' 'Two nurses and a stomach pump.'

"I know you didn't order the snails, sir. They're complimentary with the salad."

"The fish sticks here are very good."

"And which regional cuisine would you be interested in this evening—Northwester, Southwestern, Southeastern, or Northeastern?"

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

"War is hell and so is this soup."

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

'Strained carrots again! What am I being punished for this time?'

"How fresh is the calamari?"

"I've never heard of it, either, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, I always say!"

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

Dog Dressed to Eat

'He doesn't ask for a menu... he asks for an estimate!'

Your lobster was off!

'Wine, high octane grape juice.'

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

'It's my favorite.'

"I like to sit facing the room to see if anyone seated after us gets served before us."

"The soup of the day is pineapple with a hint of rum."

'Strong curry for two and a fire-extinguisher.'

"For dessert, absolutely no flambé!"

"The prices they charge here, you'd expect them to have an oven not just a gas ring!"

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

'Okay mum, I'll eat it all up. But I doubt I'll grow big and strong on this muck!'

"Your meal sounded nice."

"Waiter, this is the worst meal I've ever tasted. And believe me, I've eaten some crap!"

"We'll start with the appetizer, move on to the entree, and then finish up with dessert."

"Hey, …. what's not to like?"

Newark by Night. A new Dutch restaurant just opened. What do you know about Dutch cuisine? Nothing. But I'm a big fan of the "Dutch Treat" concept.

"I think we'll pass up the Château Mouton-Rothschild '34."

"Would you like to see the markup?"

'I really don't know why we bother coming here - the food's always crap.'