Restaurant Critic Humor Gifts

Waiter, there's a potato bug in my New England clam chowder. You should have ordered the Manhattan clam chowder

'You call this slop'

'A table near an open window, please.'

"Yes sir, this is half a steak. The guest who had it yesterday wasn't very hungry."

"I know you didn't order the snails, sir. They're complimentary with the salad."

"And which regional cuisine would you be interested in this evening—Northwester, Southwestern, Southeastern, or Northeastern?"

'I'll have you know sir, that we used the finest columbian coffee beans in that dishwater.'

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

"War is hell and so is this soup."

"How fresh is the calamari?"

"Your soup is delicious. The broth perfectly compliments the font."

"I've never heard of it, either, but nothing ventured, nothing gained, I always say!"

'He doesn't ask for a menu... he asks for an estimate!'

Your lobster was off!

'It's my favorite.'

'Wine, high octane grape juice.'

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

"I like to sit facing the room to see if anyone seated after us gets served before us."

"The soup of the day is pineapple with a hint of rum."

'Strong curry for two and a fire-extinguisher.'

"Bottled, tap or toilet water?"

"We'll start with the appetizer, move on to the entree, and then finish up with dessert."

"Your meal sounded nice."

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

"For dessert, absolutely no flambé!"

"The prices they charge here, you'd expect them to have an oven not just a gas ring!"

"I think we'll pass up the Château Mouton-Rothschild '34."

'I really don't know why we bother coming here - the food's always crap.'

Seafood: "Of course our food is fresh."

"And how would you like your steak?"

Tuna Salad, Meat Loaf, Cheese Omelet and Bean Soup

"I can't hurry when ordering. There's a lot of ecological geopolitics involved here."

'The braised toucan was fine...although I found the bill a little large.'

Pick Your Own Baby Lamb Chop

"Perhaps you wouln't have declared so many places 'worth a detour' if you'd held the map right way up!"