Restaurant Critique Comedy Gifts

I've been told I eat like a stable hand. Let's not insult stable hands.

"Something's wrong with the broccoli. Please take it back to the kitchen and have it genetically modified."

At This Restaurant, There Are Only Two Dishes on the Menu and They Both Suck

'Waiter, I think my wife's calamari is underdone.'

'I knew we should have brought your Marigolds, dear!'

Sushi Train Spotters

"I like Casual Dining, but this is too casual. I ordered spaghetti!"

"Don't panic, she'll be back. We lock the washroom windows from the outside."

'Exactly what day is this the soup of?'

'Good evening sir, I hope you haven't been waiting long.'

All You Can Eat

'Have a little patience, Sir - We're not machines...'

'Waiter, is it raining?' ] 'Sorry, not my table.'

'Can you give me a few minutes, Waiter? I can't run on a full stomach.'

"My compliments to whoever opened the can."

"I was going to go to the other slop trough, but the music's always too loud."

"My name's Aldred and I'll be your server this evening."

Waiter, there's a potato bug in my New England clam chowder. You should have ordered the Manhattan clam chowder

'Instead of one of our dishes you want to eat me? Just a minute, sir.. I've go to ask the manager.'

"Sorry, it’s my first day."

Armstrong, we're out of napkins. Now we're not. Have you checked where we keep the spares? What spares? The ones in the round pantry. Are you referring to the trash can? You say "tomatoes," I say "organic multivitamins for sale."

"This is cold. I specifically ordered the Warm and Fuzzy."

This fly's backstroke is atrocious. It will be reflected in his tip.

The PARTISAN CAFE: "For or against section?"

"A Mister 'Ty Gurr' wants to reserve a table next to our fattest customer."

"We've had to update our restaurant's motto."

"Yes sir, this is half a steak. The guest who had it yesterday wasn't very hungry."

"Soup of the day? Mumbo Jumbo Gumbo."

'I know I'm getting lots of complements, but the damn waiters are conspiring to not tell me!'

Our next story is about an lawyer who goes around suing restaurants for improper lighting. Ah, an "ambiance chaser"!

"I don't think the new guy is working out."

I think this restaurant may have too many employees. Yes, I would like you to send over the menu steward.

'Take no notice, I fired him ten minutes ago.'

... Harold at the stomach pump.

"Good evening, folks. My name is Leonard, and I hold all the cards."