Restaurant Humor Gifts

"I'm sorry, have you been grimacing long?"

'Well if you're going to play footsie with Roy Keane, what do you expect?'

"Oh, yes, sir, the zebra is fresh."

"The Pinot blanc is the most expensive, so I'd recommend that."

Fish Waiter at the Fish 'n Chips Restaurant.

"Sorry for the delay, sir - Chef is just immobilizing your steak now..."

"This is cold. I specifically ordered the Warm and Fuzzy."

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

"Your soup is delicious. The broth perfectly compliments the font."

"Bottled, tap or toilet water?"

"The finger bowl is courtesy of the gentleman."

'Your fingers are in the soup?' - 'Of course they are. It's freezing in that kitchen.'

'Our chickens are a real 'come back' story: raised organic, they hooked up with some seedy fowl, but then, thankfully, were saved by massive doses of antibiotics.'

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"

Do-it-yourself sushi bar serves live fish to customer.

'Waiter, I think my wife's calamari is underdone.'

'What do you have that hasn't been cloned?'

"Don't panic, she'll be back. We lock the washroom windows from the outside."

"You're in luck. A slot for you just opened up in our kitchen."

'I'd like to order, please.' - 'Okay, what's your table number?' - 'I don't know.' - 'Find it, weak-minded fool!!' - 'What's our table number?' - 'There is no table number.' - 'There is no table number.' - 'You should have been assigned a table number whe

AS about Today's Specials' - 'Whatever didn't sell yesterday.'

"In addition to the menu, we have a few specials on the board."

"This wine is CORKED!"

'Too much information! I prefer not knowing my lobster's name was Sigmund.'

'What's your thumb doing on my steak?' 'Want me to drop it again?'

'Have a little patience, Sir - We're not machines...'

"Chicken on a bend of spinach and onions?"

'Can you give me a few minutes, Waiter? I can't run on a full stomach.'

'I'll be talking nonsense when you come to take our order. But, if you pretend I'm speaking French there'll be a big tip in it for you.'

"My name's Aldred and I'll be your server this evening."

'Fish fresh?' 'I don't know I've only been here two weeks .'

'I'll have what he's having.'

"Stop serving Table 3 complimentary bread."

Hugo's in a peevish mood today, I'd finish that broccoli if I were you

Waiter, there's a potato bug in my New England clam chowder. You should have ordered the Manhattan clam chowder