Restaurant Humor Fan Gifts

"Don't panic, she'll be back. We lock the washroom windows from the outside."

Armstrong, we're out of napkins. Now we're not. Have you checked where we keep the spares? What spares? The ones in the round pantry. Are you referring to the trash can? You say "tomatoes," I say "organic multivitamins for sale."

I only came in here tonight for a bowl of soup, so meeting someone new was an unexpected bonus. Granted, it was a fly, but still

This fly's backstroke is atrocious. It will be reflected in his tip.

"I don't think the new guy is working out."

'Can't you read?'

'Oh no!Too many broths spoil the cook!'

'Take no notice, I fired him ten minutes ago.'

"Your soup is delicious. The broth perfectly compliments the font."

Filet minion

'Nowadays we want all our food to be ethically sourced, Personally I'd be happy if it was all chocolated sauced,'

"Bottled, tap or toilet water?"

'Your fingers are in the soup?' - 'Of course they are. It's freezing in that kitchen.'

'Our chickens are a real 'come back' story: raised organic, they hooked up with some seedy fowl, but then, thankfully, were saved by massive doses of antibiotics.'

Do-it-yourself sushi bar serves live fish to customer.

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"

"The finger bowl is courtesy of the gentleman."

'Waiter, I think my wife's calamari is underdone.'

"Man does not live by chips alone. There's also guacamole."

"You're in luck. A slot for you just opened up in our kitchen."

'I thought a perfect martini would cover the 'well balanced' requirement of my night to cook.'

AS about Today's Specials' - 'Whatever didn't sell yesterday.'

'I'd like to order, please.' - 'Okay, what's your table number?' - 'I don't know.' - 'Find it, weak-minded fool!!' - 'What's our table number?' - 'There is no table number.' - 'There is no table number.' - 'You should have been assigned a table number whe

'Good news - we're merging with Mellman's Jelly and Alpine Toast.'

'He's cured.'

"Waiter! - this soup tastes funny!"

'Have a little patience, Sir - We're not machines...'

"The other waiters just spit in the food of rude customers, not in their faces!"

'Too much information! I prefer not knowing my lobster's name was Sigmund.'

"In addition to the menu, we have a few specials on the board."

'Can you give me a few minutes, Waiter? I can't run on a full stomach.'

'So this is a kitchen!'

'Fish fresh?' 'I don't know I've only been here two weeks .'

"You're losing your everything."

'I'll be talking nonsense when you come to take our order. But, if you pretend I'm speaking French there'll be a big tip in it for you.'