Restaurant Humor Lovers Gifts

"Hold on, some guy is trying to talk me about soup."

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

"Your soup is delicious. The broth perfectly compliments the font."

"Bottled, tap or toilet water?"

"The finger bowl is courtesy of the gentleman."

'Your fingers are in the soup?' - 'Of course they are. It's freezing in that kitchen.'

Do-it-yourself sushi bar serves live fish to customer.

'Our chickens are a real 'come back' story: raised organic, they hooked up with some seedy fowl, but then, thankfully, were saved by massive doses of antibiotics.'

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"

"Did you order the flying jalapeños?"

'Waiter, I think my wife's calamari is underdone.'

'What do you have that hasn't been cloned?'

"Don't panic, she'll be back. We lock the washroom windows from the outside."

AS about Today's Specials' - 'Whatever didn't sell yesterday.'

"Mixed nuts are brain food, or so I read in 'Mixed Nut Digest'."

"You're in luck. A slot for you just opened up in our kitchen."

'I'd like to order, please.' - 'Okay, what's your table number?' - 'I don't know.' - 'Find it, weak-minded fool!!' - 'What's our table number?' - 'There is no table number.' - 'There is no table number.' - 'You should have been assigned a table number whe

"Tonight, we'll be eating hot dogs with a mustard-ketchup-and-pickle purée, accompanied by peas lightly sprinkled with ketchup. Then fettuccine al dente with a ketchup sauce, followed by applesauce maison with a dollop of you know what!"

'Too much information! I prefer not knowing my lobster's name was Sigmund.'

'Have a little patience, Sir - We're not machines...'

"In addition to the menu, we have a few specials on the board."

"I'll have the crescent-crab 'purses' and the smoked duck 'hash' – hold the quotation marks."

'Can you give me a few minutes, Waiter? I can't run on a full stomach.'

'How many Breadsticks have you eaten?'

'Fish fresh?' 'I don't know I've only been here two weeks .'

"My name's Aldred and I'll be your server this evening."

'I'll be talking nonsense when you come to take our order. But, if you pretend I'm speaking French there'll be a big tip in it for you.'

"Stop serving Table 3 complimentary bread."

Waiter, there's a potato bug in my New England clam chowder. You should have ordered the Manhattan clam chowder

Hugo's in a peevish mood today, I'd finish that broccoli if I were you

'Waiter, there're four flies in my soup! How 'bout just moving the bug zapper?'

"The Catch of the Day is the chef's cold."

This fly's backstroke is atrocious. It will be reflected in his tip.

Waiter, there's a fly drowning in my soup. Try mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

"This is cold. I specifically ordered the Warm and Fuzzy."