Restaurant Humorists Gifts

'Can you give me a few minutes, Waiter? I can't run on a full stomach.'

'Waiter, I think my wife's calamari is underdone.'

'Have a little patience, Sir - We're not machines...'

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

It turns out they don't go together so well,

"Your soup is delicious. The broth perfectly compliments the font."

"Fresh pepper spray?"

"Bottled, tap or toilet water?"

Do-it-yourself sushi bar serves live fish to customer.

'Our chickens are a real 'come back' story: raised organic, they hooked up with some seedy fowl, but then, thankfully, were saved by massive doses of antibiotics.'

"The finger bowl is courtesy of the gentleman."

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"

'If you order...You can digest it in...'

'Your fingers are in the soup?' - 'Of course they are. It's freezing in that kitchen.'

"Don't panic, she'll be back. We lock the washroom windows from the outside."

"You're in luck. A slot for you just opened up in our kitchen."

"May we see your kids' menu please?"

AS about Today's Specials' - 'Whatever didn't sell yesterday.'

'I'd like to order, please.' - 'Okay, what's your table number?' - 'I don't know.' - 'Find it, weak-minded fool!!' - 'What's our table number?' - 'There is no table number.' - 'There is no table number.' - 'You should have been assigned a table number whe

'I just come here for the ambiance. The food's lousy, so ordered a pizza be delivered.'

"In addition to the menu, we have a few specials on the board."

'The two things you cook best are meatloaf and apple pie!... Which one is this?'

'Too much information! I prefer not knowing my lobster's name was Sigmund.'

"Hello, my name is Tony. I'm your waiter, and I'll be dining with you tonight."

"Much of his cooking suffers from burn-out."

'I'll have the frogs legs - and make sure they're kneeling.'

"How about you? Were you 'locally raised'?"

"Would you like any suburbs, or just the check?"

Hugo's in a peevish mood today, I'd finish that broccoli if I were you

'Fish fresh?' 'I don't know I've only been here two weeks .'

"Stop serving Table 3 complimentary bread."

"My name's Aldred and I'll be your server this evening."

'I'll be talking nonsense when you come to take our order. But, if you pretend I'm speaking French there'll be a big tip in it for you.'

"The Catch of the Day is the chef's cold."

'Waiter, there're four flies in my soup! How 'bout just moving the bug zapper?'