Restaurant Humorist Gifts

Man hiding under the table as Champane is popped open.

"The Catch of the Day is the chef's cold."

'Waiter, there're four flies in my soup! How 'bout just moving the bug zapper?'

'So that's one putrefied carcass. You want flies with that?'

Do-it-yourself sushi bar serves live fish to customer.

'I'll be talking nonsense when you come to take our order. But, if you pretend I'm speaking French there'll be a big tip in it for you.'

'Your fingers are in the soup?' - 'Of course they are. It's freezing in that kitchen.'

'Our chickens are a real 'come back' story: raised organic, they hooked up with some seedy fowl, but then, thankfully, were saved by massive doses of antibiotics.'

'I'm afraid we can't allow two fat, ugly bastards like you to have a window seat.'

Chef shooting a chicken in the Restaurant

'Just bring us whatever's scurrying around the kitchen floor.'

'I'd like to order, please.' - 'Okay, what's your table number?' - 'I don't know.' - 'Find it, weak-minded fool!!' - 'What's our table number?' - 'There is no table number.' - 'There is no table number.' - 'You should have been assigned a table number whe

AS about Today's Specials' - 'Whatever didn't sell yesterday.'

"The finger bowl is courtesy of the gentleman."

"Hi...my name is Jason and I'm your wait person for this evening."

"Your soup is delicious. The broth perfectly compliments the font."

"You took your time!"

"We'd like to serve you your usual 2 tons on plankton, but we're a little short-staffed."

"You're in luck. A slot for you just opened up in our kitchen."

'Fish fresh?' 'I don't know I've only been here two weeks .'

"Can I get you some salt for that?"

'Let me order. I know quite a bit about wine. '

'Jake's always said that wine is an appetite suppressant - I don't see him eating anything.'

'I didn't feel like cooking today.'

'Too much information! I prefer not knowing my lobster's name was Sigmund.'

Fresh Ground Pepper.

"Stop serving Table 3 complimentary bread."

Now squeeze sharply five times - that should dislodge the tip from his coat pocket.

Waiter, there's a fly drowning in my soup. Try mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

Sorry, sir, I can't recommend anything --- Liability issues.

"In addition to the menu, we have a few specials on the board."

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"

"Bottled, tap or toilet water?"

"Judge Edelman is taking the chicken livers under advisement, Gertrude; I've decided in favor of the veal; and Judge Hefferman seems to be recusing himself."

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'