Humorist In Dining Gifts

"Hunger is an illusion. I'll have a zenwich."

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

It turns out they don't go together so well,

"Your soup is delicious. The broth perfectly compliments the font."

'For a small extra charge, we can provide a specially-formulated digestive enzyme.'

"Fresh pepper spray?"

"Bottled, tap or toilet water?"

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"

'If you order...You can digest it in...'

"The finger bowl is courtesy of the gentleman."

'Your fingers are in the soup?' - 'Of course they are. It's freezing in that kitchen.'

Do-it-yourself sushi bar serves live fish to customer.

'Our chickens are a real 'come back' story: raised organic, they hooked up with some seedy fowl, but then, thankfully, were saved by massive doses of antibiotics.'

'Waiter, I think my wife's calamari is underdone.'

'What do you have that hasn't been cloned?'

'If you mean Janet, she works the late shift.'

"May we see your kids' menu please?"

'I'd like to order, please.' - 'Okay, what's your table number?' - 'I don't know.' - 'Find it, weak-minded fool!!' - 'What's our table number?' - 'There is no table number.' - 'There is no table number.' - 'You should have been assigned a table number whe

AS about Today's Specials' - 'Whatever didn't sell yesterday.'

All you can eat chicken $3.95: "Cooked is 20 dollars extra."

"You're in luck. A slot for you just opened up in our kitchen."

'I just come here for the ambiance. The food's lousy, so ordered a pizza be delivered.'

"In addition to the menu, we have a few specials on the board."

"Much of his cooking suffers from burn-out."

'Too much information! I prefer not knowing my lobster's name was Sigmund.'

'The two things you cook best are meatloaf and apple pie!... Which one is this?'

'I didn't find a finger in my chili!'

'What's your thumb doing on my steak?' 'Want me to drop it again?'

"Chicken on a bend of spinach and onions?"

'I'll have the frogs legs - and make sure they're kneeling.'

'Have a little patience, Sir - We're not machines...'

"How about you? Were you 'locally raised'?"

'Waiter, is it raining?' ] 'Sorry, not my table.'