Fine Dining Humorist Gifts

'Just bring us your best beers-all of 'em.'

'It's called Les Restes. It's French for leftovers.'

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

"Two burgers, two fries, two martinis—and we'll have those to go."

"Your soup is delicious. The broth perfectly compliments the font."

'For a small extra charge, we can provide a specially-formulated digestive enzyme.'

"Fresh pepper spray?"

"Bottled, tap or toilet water?"

'Your fingers are in the soup?' - 'Of course they are. It's freezing in that kitchen.'

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"

"The finger bowl is courtesy of the gentleman."

Do-it-yourself sushi bar serves live fish to customer.

'Our chickens are a real 'come back' story: raised organic, they hooked up with some seedy fowl, but then, thankfully, were saved by massive doses of antibiotics.'

International House of Excrement

'Waiter, I think my wife's calamari is underdone.'

AS about Today's Specials' - 'Whatever didn't sell yesterday.'

'I'd like to order, please.' - 'Okay, what's your table number?' - 'I don't know.' - 'Find it, weak-minded fool!!' - 'What's our table number?' - 'There is no table number.' - 'There is no table number.' - 'You should have been assigned a table number whe

"You're in luck. A slot for you just opened up in our kitchen."

"May we see your kids' menu please?"

All you can eat chicken $3.95: "Cooked is 20 dollars extra."

'If you mean Janet, she works the late shift.'

'I just come here for the ambiance. The food's lousy, so ordered a pizza be delivered.'

'I'll have the frogs legs - and make sure they're kneeling.'

"Hello, my name is Tony. I'm your waiter, and I'll be dining with you tonight."

'I didn't find a finger in my chili!'

"In addition to the menu, we have a few specials on the board."

'Have a little patience, Sir - We're not machines...'

"How about you? Were you 'locally raised'?"

'Too much information! I prefer not knowing my lobster's name was Sigmund.'

'Waiter, is it raining?' ] 'Sorry, not my table.'

"Would you like any suburbs, or just the check?"

'Can you give me a few minutes, Waiter? I can't run on a full stomach.'

"Stop serving Table 3 complimentary bread."

"Oh, don't worry about that—it only goes off when someone taps 'no tip.'"

"You folks like a little something?"