Fine Dining Satirist Gifts

'I never eat anything I can't spell.'

'Let me order. I know quite a bit about wine. '

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

"Fresh pepper spray?"

"Perhaps we should cleanse our palates first?"

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"

'Our chickens are a real 'come back' story: raised organic, they hooked up with some seedy fowl, but then, thankfully, were saved by massive doses of antibiotics.'

'The Specials are the same as the Main Menu dishes, but with more florid descriptions.'

"No. I wouldn't 'like to see the cheese menu'. And I don't appreciate the stereotyping!"

'In case of fire, don't panic. Pay your bill then leave.'

"Certainly. A party of four at seven-thirty in the name of Dr. Jennings. May I ask whether that is an actual medical degree or a Ph.D.?"

'I just come here for the ambiance. The food's lousy, so ordered a pizza be delivered.'

Menu. Everything looks so delicious! Thank you!

'A formal inquiry could take months, sir, and still be inconclusive.'

'I'll have the frogs legs - and make sure they're kneeling.'

There's a strange mist over my food. You never heard of pea soup fog?

"How about you? Were you 'locally raised'?"

A lot of attention gets paid to the Earl of Sandwich, and rightfully so, but let's not forget to show some respect for that neglected Lord of Lunch, the Viscount of Potato Salad.

'Waiter, is it raining?' ] 'Sorry, not my table.'

"Would you like any suburbs, or just the check?"

Dinner at the Mortgage Restaurant.

"Chicken 'Laissez-faire'?"

'Instead of one of our dishes you want to eat me? Just a minute, sir.. I've go to ask the manager.'

"True, the fly is not in my soup. But it took one taste of my soup and dropped dead."

Please be gentle, waiter. This is my first salad. I'm sorry, sir, but there's a reason they call it "roughage."

"Waiter, there are needles in my stew."

'We're very on-the-hoof, of the moment kind of people - would it be possible to dine off Styrofoam?'

"Barkeeper! More chick-peas!"

The PARTISAN CAFE: "For or against section?"

"A Mister 'Ty Gurr' wants to reserve a table next to our fattest customer."

"Soup of the day? Mumbo Jumbo Gumbo."

'Yes, I'd like something to wash this wine down with!'

'What's the soup of the day?' 'Heinz.'

'It's called Les Restes. It's French for leftovers.'

'Yon lad's got a chip on his shoulder.' 'Aye, he's certainly a messy eater.'