Gourmet Dining Satirist Gifts

"I ate some yogurt once. It was very good."

Health and Safety Gone Mad.

Get your no-turkey recipes here! Eco club. Go veggie for T-day! No thanks! I like turkey, sausage, stuffing, creamed onions with bacon and mincemeat pie. I figured as much. How can you tell? Gut check. That's my gut reaction, too.

'The Specials are the same as the Main Menu dishes, but with more florid descriptions.'

'Our chickens are a real 'come back' story: raised organic, they hooked up with some seedy fowl, but then, thankfully, were saved by massive doses of antibiotics.'

'Lets all thank Martha for her very innovative 'Hot Dog Crepes'.'

'If you order...You can digest it in...'

"Actually, it wasn't so bad. One minute I was standing in line at the slaughterhouse...The next thing I knew, I was being basted in my own juices..."

"Perhaps we should cleanse our palates first?"

Tuna Salad, Meat Loaf, Cheese Omelet and Bean Soup

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"

'Our guest tonight certainly needs no introduction.'

"No. I wouldn't 'like to see the cheese menu'. And I don't appreciate the stereotyping!"

Supermarket Warehouse. At night, with just security here, the products sing classic karaoke. The orange juice is belting Elvis'"All Shook Up." Peanut butter and jelly performed a duet of "Love Will Keep Us Together." children's breakfast cereal sang "Sugar, Sugar." And sriracha sauce did a rendition of "Great Balls of Fire"! What song will the ground beef choose? Jimmy Buffett's "Cheeseburger in Paradise," of course!

What makes the flies in your soup "artisanal"? I know, right? Personally, I think it's just a lot of hype perpetrated by the flies. Menu.

'In case of fire, don't panic. Pay your bill then leave.'

"And here you have a brown thing next to something greenish, with some sort of brown runny stuff underneath it."

'Are these mushrooms or toadstools? And why are you holding a stomach pump?.'

"Certainly. A party of four at seven-thirty in the name of Dr. Jennings. May I ask whether that is an actual medical degree or a Ph.D.?"

'The chef's hat was delicious! But the hair...'

Haute Cuisine Meets Low Couture

"We've gone 'Glutton-Free'."

The real reason salad aids weight loss

"I'm on a diet. Mini-size it!"

A lot of attention gets paid to the Earl of Sandwich, and rightfully so, but let's not forget to show some respect for that neglected Lord of Lunch, the Viscount of Potato Salad.

'No, I don't have a favorite. Dung is dung.'

'People soup again?'

The mushroom pickers

'A formal inquiry could take months, sir, and still be inconclusive.'

'Waiter, is it raining?' ] 'Sorry, not my table.'

Outsaucing - A dollop of sauce has been put on a customer's plate from a long arm from afar.

"True, the fly is not in my soup. But it took one taste of my soup and dropped dead."

Hot Dog... Flavored meat-like substances

'Instead of one of our dishes you want to eat me? Just a minute, sir.. I've go to ask the manager.'

Dinner at the Mortgage Restaurant.