Gourmet Dining Satirist Gifts

"I ate some yogurt once. It was very good."

Health and Safety Gone Mad.

"Actually, it wasn't so bad. One minute I was standing in line at the slaughterhouse...The next thing I knew, I was being basted in my own juices..."

'Lets all thank Martha for her very innovative 'Hot Dog Crepes'.'

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"

'The Specials are the same as the Main Menu dishes, but with more florid descriptions.'

'Our chickens are a real 'come back' story: raised organic, they hooked up with some seedy fowl, but then, thankfully, were saved by massive doses of antibiotics.'

'If you order...You can digest it in...'

Tuna Salad, Meat Loaf, Cheese Omelet and Bean Soup

'Our guest tonight certainly needs no introduction.'

"No. I wouldn't 'like to see the cheese menu'. And I don't appreciate the stereotyping!"

"And here you have a brown thing next to something greenish, with some sort of brown runny stuff underneath it."

'Are these mushrooms or toadstools? And why are you holding a stomach pump?.'

'In case of fire, don't panic. Pay your bill then leave.'

"Certainly. A party of four at seven-thirty in the name of Dr. Jennings. May I ask whether that is an actual medical degree or a Ph.D.?"

'The chef's hat was delicious! But the hair...'

'A formal inquiry could take months, sir, and still be inconclusive.'

'No, I don't have a favorite. Dung is dung.'

'People soup again?'

"I'm on a diet. Mini-size it!"

The mushroom pickers

"We've gone 'Glutton-Free'."

The real reason salad aids weight loss

'Waiter, is it raining?' ] 'Sorry, not my table.'

Outsaucing - A dollop of sauce has been put on a customer's plate from a long arm from afar.

"True, the fly is not in my soup. But it took one taste of my soup and dropped dead."

"Chicken 'Laissez-faire'?"

'Instead of one of our dishes you want to eat me? Just a minute, sir.. I've go to ask the manager.'

Those who bought my cookbook with the transposed pages will get a refund. Those who actually enjoy Lobster Alfredo a la mode - bon app

Hot Dog... Flavored meat-like substances