Luxury Dining Satirist Gifts

"Would you like to smell the screw cap?"

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

"Fresh pepper spray?"

'The Specials are the same as the Main Menu dishes, but with more florid descriptions.'

'Our chickens are a real 'come back' story: raised organic, they hooked up with some seedy fowl, but then, thankfully, were saved by massive doses of antibiotics.'

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"

'Our guest tonight certainly needs no introduction.'

International House of Excrement

"No. I wouldn't 'like to see the cheese menu'. And I don't appreciate the stereotyping!"

'In case of fire, don't panic. Pay your bill then leave.'

'I just come here for the ambiance. The food's lousy, so ordered a pizza be delivered.'

'A formal inquiry could take months, sir, and still be inconclusive.'

'I'll have the frogs legs - and make sure they're kneeling.'

"How about you? Were you 'locally raised'?"

"We've gone 'Glutton-Free'."

'Waiter, is it raining?' ] 'Sorry, not my table.'

"Would you like any suburbs, or just the check?"

Menu From The Luxury Home of Pancakes

'Instead of one of our dishes you want to eat me? Just a minute, sir.. I've go to ask the manager.'

"Chicken 'Laissez-faire'?"

Dinner at the Mortgage Restaurant.

"True, the fly is not in my soup. But it took one taste of my soup and dropped dead."

"Barkeeper! More chick-peas!"

"Combination No. 5--no MSG."

"Waiter, there are needles in my stew."

Today's Special: Escargot Appetizer

"A Mister 'Ty Gurr' wants to reserve a table next to our fattest customer."

The PARTISAN CAFE: "For or against section?"

"Soup of the day? Mumbo Jumbo Gumbo."

'There'll be a short delay, sir -- your businessman's lunch is under investigation.'

'Freeze Dried Nothing®. Directions: To make something out of NOTHING®, just add water.'