Posh Restaurant Satirist Gifts

'And bang a few pots around. I like to pretend you won't just pull it out of the freezer and throw it in the microwave.'

"Your soup is delicious. The broth perfectly compliments the font."

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

'I don't think that's what they mean by reducing the wine.'

"Bottled, tap or toilet water?"

'Your fingers are in the soup?' - 'Of course they are. It's freezing in that kitchen.'

'Our chickens are a real 'come back' story: raised organic, they hooked up with some seedy fowl, but then, thankfully, were saved by massive doses of antibiotics.'

Do-it-yourself sushi bar serves live fish to customer.

'The Specials are the same as the Main Menu dishes, but with more florid descriptions.'

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"

"The finger bowl is courtesy of the gentleman."

"No. I wouldn't 'like to see the cheese menu'. And I don't appreciate the stereotyping!"

'Waiter! -- there's a candidate in my soup!'

"Before I serve you dinner, it was in the chicken's last wishes that you watch his video will."

'I'd like to order, please.' - 'Okay, what's your table number?' - 'I don't know.' - 'Find it, weak-minded fool!!' - 'What's our table number?' - 'There is no table number.' - 'There is no table number.' - 'You should have been assigned a table number whe

AS about Today's Specials' - 'Whatever didn't sell yesterday.'

"You're in luck. A slot for you just opened up in our kitchen."

'Our five-course dinners start with denial, followed by anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.'

"In addition to the menu, we have a few specials on the board."

Sun Dried Ice Cubes

'Too much information! I prefer not knowing my lobster's name was Sigmund.'

'A formal inquiry could take months, sir, and still be inconclusive.'

'Waiter, is it raining?' ] 'Sorry, not my table.'

'... we've got a crowd of, oh I'd say fourteen million organisms here for the annual 'Salmonella potato salad bowl'!'

'This is not Hungarian stew. Sorry, the butcher ran out of Hungarians.'

Intolerant Chef

"Stop serving Table 3 complimentary bread."

'Fish fresh?' 'I don't know I've only been here two weeks .'

Dinner at the Mortgage Restaurant.

"Chicken 'Laissez-faire'?"

"He's Britains most eligible Spatula."

Commie Chef.

'Instead of one of our dishes you want to eat me? Just a minute, sir.. I've go to ask the manager.'