Dining Satirist Gifts

"Barkeeper! More chick-peas!"

Waiter, who are those protesters outside? They're from "PETFS": People for the Ethical Treatment of Flies in Soup.

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'Our chickens are a real 'come back' story: raised organic, they hooked up with some seedy fowl, but then, thankfully, were saved by massive doses of antibiotics.'

'It's so hard getting seated here... would you care to join me and my friends?'

Please tip in advance.

"No. I wouldn't 'like to see the cheese menu'. And I don't appreciate the stereotyping!"

"Perhaps we should cleanse our palates first?"

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

"Two vegans, please."

Health and Safety Gone Mad.

The Official Covid-19 Diet

Get your no-turkey recipes here! Eco club. Go veggie for T-day! No thanks! I like turkey, sausage, stuffing, creamed onions with bacon and mincemeat pie. I figured as much. How can you tell? Gut check. That's my gut reaction, too.

"Fresh pepper spray?"

Tuna Salad, Meat Loaf, Cheese Omelet and Bean Soup

'If you order...You can digest it in...'

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"

"Actually, it wasn't so bad. One minute I was standing in line at the slaughterhouse...The next thing I knew, I was being basted in my own juices..."

'The Specials are the same as the Main Menu dishes, but with more florid descriptions.'

'In case of fire, don't panic. Pay your bill then leave.'

'Are these mushrooms or toadstools? And why are you holding a stomach pump?.'

"May we see your kids' menu please?"

"And here you have a brown thing next to something greenish, with some sort of brown runny stuff underneath it."

"Certainly. A party of four at seven-thirty in the name of Dr. Jennings. May I ask whether that is an actual medical degree or a Ph.D.?"

'I just come here for the ambiance. The food's lousy, so ordered a pizza be delivered.'

'I'll have the frogs legs - and make sure they're kneeling.'

There's a strange mist over my food. You never heard of pea soup fog?

Menu. Everything looks so delicious! Thank you!

"I'm on a diet. Mini-size it!"

'People soup again?'

"How about you? Were you 'locally raised'?"

The real reason salad aids weight loss

A lot of attention gets paid to the Earl of Sandwich, and rightfully so, but let's not forget to show some respect for that neglected Lord of Lunch, the Viscount of Potato Salad.

'A formal inquiry could take months, sir, and still be inconclusive.'

'Waiter, is it raining?' ] 'Sorry, not my table.'