Dining Satire Fan Gifts

'In case of fire, don't panic. Pay your bill then leave.'

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

'Our chickens are a real 'come back' story: raised organic, they hooked up with some seedy fowl, but then, thankfully, were saved by massive doses of antibiotics.'

'The Specials are the same as the Main Menu dishes, but with more florid descriptions.'

"No. I wouldn't 'like to see the cheese menu'. And I don't appreciate the stereotyping!"

"Or we could turn on the TV and let younger, more beautiful people have sex for us."

Arabic Thief Salad - lashings of whipped cream...

"Certainly. A party of four at seven-thirty in the name of Dr. Jennings. May I ask whether that is an actual medical degree or a Ph.D.?"

Ms. Bronte has a bad Eyre day.

'A formal inquiry could take months, sir, and still be inconclusive.'

'Cannibalism has always repulsed me - until i tasted Aunty Judy's knees'

Dinner at the Mortgage Restaurant.

"Chicken 'Laissez-faire'?"

Woman on a Pedestal. . . Who Married the Mothers Boy.

'I never see the dog complain about my cooking.'

'Uh oh. Cougar alert.'

"Barkeeper! More chick-peas!"

'I've always been a great fan of yours. I wrote all your books!'

Mad cow disease spreads to other ranches

"You wear a necktie with a suit jacket and white socks with brown shoes?? The guy who shot you did it absolutely right!"

'There'll be a short delay, sir -- your businessman's lunch is under investigation.'

A waiter says:'You guys know you're supposed to text me when you're ready right?' the patrons are dead . . .

'Sunnyside down.'

Ivanka's Latest

Extreme health food restaurants: "Just check off what you want and we'll bring your tray around."

'Could you be a little more specific than angel food?'

"Hello, my name is Roberto, and I will be your enabler this evening."

Pinocchio's Diner