Satirical Dining Fans Gifts

Extreme health food restaurants: "Just check off what you want and we'll bring your tray around."

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

'The Specials are the same as the Main Menu dishes, but with more florid descriptions.'

"Perhaps we should cleanse our palates first?"

'Our chickens are a real 'come back' story: raised organic, they hooked up with some seedy fowl, but then, thankfully, were saved by massive doses of antibiotics.'

"No. I wouldn't 'like to see the cheese menu'. And I don't appreciate the stereotyping!"

"May we see your kids' menu please?"

'In case of fire, don't panic. Pay your bill then leave.'

"Chicken on a bend of spinach and onions?"

'A formal inquiry could take months, sir, and still be inconclusive.'

'What's your thumb doing on my steak?' 'Want me to drop it again?'

Dinner at the Mortgage Restaurant.

Bob ordered the breakfast special of bacon with two eggs served any way he wanted.

"Chicken 'Laissez-faire'?"

Menu From The Luxury Home of Pancakes

"They're only dummy home security signs, but I've sharped the edges so they'll cut you like a razor."

'I never see the dog complain about my cooking.'

"Barkeeper! More chick-peas!"

You short-changed me when I paid for my drink last week. Are you sure? Of course I'm sure. You gave me change for $10, but I now I gave you more than a ten-dollar bill. Sorry about that. How much did you give me? I distinctly remember I had nothing but $1,000 bills in my wallet. Not falling for it.

'What's the special?'

Today's Special: Escargot Appetizer

"Combination No. 5--no MSG."

Mad cow disease spreads to other ranches

"In lieu of a tip, can one of you take a shift for me?"

'There'll be a short delay, sir -- your businessman's lunch is under investigation.'

'What's the soup of the day?' 'Heinz.'

'How about a drink?' 'You've got gravy.'

"Miss! There's a fly in my soup."

"Forget about the Wizard, guys...these stores have everything!"

'Could you be a little more specific than angel food?'

A waiter says:'You guys know you're supposed to text me when you're ready right?' the patrons are dead . . .

"What wine would you recommend to go with male chauvinist pork?"

'No, the fish isn't battered - the cook just roughs it up a bit!'

Waiter, who are those protesters outside? They're from "PETFS": People for the Ethical Treatment of Flies in Soup.

'Sunnyside down.'