Satirical Dining Gifts

"Hello, my name is Roberto, and I will be your enabler this evening."

"Chicken 'Laissez-faire'?"

'There'll be a short delay, sir -- your businessman's lunch is under investigation.'

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

'I don't think that's what they mean by reducing the wine.'

'The Specials are the same as the Main Menu dishes, but with more florid descriptions.'

'Our chickens are a real 'come back' story: raised organic, they hooked up with some seedy fowl, but then, thankfully, were saved by massive doses of antibiotics.'

'Our guest tonight certainly needs no introduction.'

"No. I wouldn't 'like to see the cheese menu'. And I don't appreciate the stereotyping!"

'Waiter! -- there's a candidate in my soup!'

"Before I serve you dinner, it was in the chicken's last wishes that you watch his video will."

'In case of fire, don't panic. Pay your bill then leave.'

"Tonight, we'll be eating hot dogs with a mustard-ketchup-and-pickle purée, accompanied by peas lightly sprinkled with ketchup. Then fettuccine al dente with a ketchup sauce, followed by applesauce maison with a dollop of you know what!"

'Our five-course dinners start with denial, followed by anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.'

"We've gone 'Glutton-Free'."

Sun Dried Ice Cubes

'What's your thumb doing on my steak?' 'Want me to drop it again?'

"Chicken on a bend of spinach and onions?"

'A formal inquiry could take months, sir, and still be inconclusive.'

'Waiter, is it raining?' ] 'Sorry, not my table.'

'This is not Hungarian stew. Sorry, the butcher ran out of Hungarians.'

Intolerant Chef

'... we've got a crowd of, oh I'd say fourteen million organisms here for the annual 'Salmonella potato salad bowl'!'

Dinner at the Mortgage Restaurant.

'Instead of one of our dishes you want to eat me? Just a minute, sir.. I've go to ask the manager.'

Commie Chef.

"He's Britains most eligible Spatula."

'What's the special?'

"Combination No. 5--no MSG."

"Barkeeper! More chick-peas!"

Today's Special: Escargot Appetizer

The PARTISAN CAFE: "For or against section?"

"A Mister 'Ty Gurr' wants to reserve a table next to our fattest customer."

"Soup of the day? Mumbo Jumbo Gumbo."

'Mix 1lb of greed with 2oz of corruption, fold in a sprinkle of ignorance then put on the shelf...'