Satirical Diner Gifts

'I'm sorry, but you can't take the leftovers home. They're all newly-patented items, and cannot leave the premises.'

"Combination No. 5--no MSG."

"Yes, I would like something to follow, the antidote"

Today's Special: Escargot Appetizer

'I think I'll go home and eat'

'Actually I'm a nerdivore. I only eat your lamer plants and animals: duckbill platypi, cumquats, daffodils, the occasional mudshark.'

"Perhaps we should cleanse our palates first?"

"The Knuckle Sandwich is good."

'The Specials are the same as the Main Menu dishes, but with more florid descriptions.'

'Our chickens are a real 'come back' story: raised organic, they hooked up with some seedy fowl, but then, thankfully, were saved by massive doses of antibiotics.'

"No. I wouldn't 'like to see the cheese menu'. And I don't appreciate the stereotyping!"

'I'm sorry the cod was not as good as when you came a month ago. It should have been - it was the same fish...'

'In case of fire, don't panic. Pay your bill then leave.'

"Be right with you - just need to call for a tow truck and change today's 'Catch of the Day' to venison."

"See? I told you my fish was undercooked!"

'I'm not very hungry after eating my first quarter losses.'

'A formal inquiry could take months, sir, and still be inconclusive.'

'Waiter, is it raining?' ] 'Sorry, not my table.'

"It's nothing new. We've always offered a complimentary beard wash following an order of ribs."

"Chicken 'Laissez-faire'?"

"Freshly ground Ozempic?"

Dinner at the Mortgage Restaurant.

Bob ordered the breakfast special of bacon with two eggs served any way he wanted.

'Instead of one of our dishes you want to eat me? Just a minute, sir.. I've go to ask the manager.'

"Barkeeper! More chick-peas!"

'Waiter there's a mouse in my soup.'

"A Mister 'Ty Gurr' wants to reserve a table next to our fattest customer."

The PARTISAN CAFE: "For or against section?"

The food was nice...but something was missing.

"Yes sir, this is half a steak. The guest who had it yesterday wasn't very hungry."

'The chef says that the quail was out but he prepared that little critter he ran over on the motorway which tastes similar and you nouveau riche snobs will never notice the difference anyway.'

'You want a pizza with everything -- Do you comprehend the philosophical implications of that'

"It says. . . 'That wasn't chicken.'"

"Soup of the day? Mumbo Jumbo Gumbo."

'May I caution that the term 'Happy meal' refers to the meal itself rather than to any effect it may have.'