Diner Humorist Gifts

'Better keep an eye on that guy.'

'I'm Sally, your waitress for tonight, and this is Hugo, my insanely jealous boyfriend.'

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

"Your soup is delicious. The broth perfectly compliments the font."

'For a small extra charge, we can provide a specially-formulated digestive enzyme.'

'Actually I'm a nerdivore. I only eat your lamer plants and animals: duckbill platypi, cumquats, daffodils, the occasional mudshark.'

"Fresh pepper spray?"

"Bottled, tap or toilet water?"

"The finger bowl is courtesy of the gentleman."

Do-it-yourself sushi bar serves live fish to customer.

'Our chickens are a real 'come back' story: raised organic, they hooked up with some seedy fowl, but then, thankfully, were saved by massive doses of antibiotics.'

"The Knuckle Sandwich is good."

'Your fingers are in the soup?' - 'Of course they are. It's freezing in that kitchen.'

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"

"You're in luck. A slot for you just opened up in our kitchen."

"May we see your kids' menu please?"

'I'd like to order, please.' - 'Okay, what's your table number?' - 'I don't know.' - 'Find it, weak-minded fool!!' - 'What's our table number?' - 'There is no table number.' - 'There is no table number.' - 'You should have been assigned a table number whe

All you can eat chicken $3.95: "Cooked is 20 dollars extra."

AS about Today's Specials' - 'Whatever didn't sell yesterday.'

"Hey! Waiter! This is a dessert wine!"

'If you mean Janet, she works the late shift.'

'I just come here for the ambiance. The food's lousy, so ordered a pizza be delivered.'

"Waiter! - this soup tastes funny!"

"In addition to the menu, we have a few specials on the board."

"How about you? Were you 'locally raised'?"

'Too much information! I prefer not knowing my lobster's name was Sigmund.'

'Do you have any wine from the Ming dynasty?'

"I am off duty, but the body cam allows me to discreetly take photos of my meal."

'I'll have the frogs legs - and make sure they're kneeling.'

'I didn't find a finger in my chili!'

"Would you like any suburbs, or just the check?"

"Stop serving Table 3 complimentary bread."

"You folks like a little something?"

'Fish fresh?' 'I don't know I've only been here two weeks .'

"Oh, don't worry about that—it only goes off when someone taps 'no tip.'"