Dining Humorists Gifts

"May we see your kids' menu please?"

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

"Your soup is delicious. The broth perfectly compliments the font."

'For a small extra charge, we can provide a specially-formulated digestive enzyme.'

"Fresh pepper spray?"

"Bottled, tap or toilet water?"

"The finger bowl is courtesy of the gentleman."

'The Specials are the same as the Main Menu dishes, but with more florid descriptions.'

'Our chickens are a real 'come back' story: raised organic, they hooked up with some seedy fowl, but then, thankfully, were saved by massive doses of antibiotics.'

Do-it-yourself sushi bar serves live fish to customer.

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"

'Your fingers are in the soup?' - 'Of course they are. It's freezing in that kitchen.'

"Did you order the flying jalapeños?"

'Waiter, I think my wife's calamari is underdone.'

"No. I wouldn't 'like to see the cheese menu'. And I don't appreciate the stereotyping!"

'What do you have that hasn't been cloned?'

All you can eat chicken $3.95: "Cooked is 20 dollars extra."

"You're in luck. A slot for you just opened up in our kitchen."

AS about Today's Specials' - 'Whatever didn't sell yesterday.'

'If you mean Janet, she works the late shift.'

'I'd like to order, please.' - 'Okay, what's your table number?' - 'I don't know.' - 'Find it, weak-minded fool!!' - 'What's our table number?' - 'There is no table number.' - 'There is no table number.' - 'You should have been assigned a table number whe

'I just come here for the ambiance. The food's lousy, so ordered a pizza be delivered.'

"Chicken on a bend of spinach and onions?"

'What's your thumb doing on my steak?' 'Want me to drop it again?'

'I'll have the frogs legs - and make sure they're kneeling.'

"In addition to the menu, we have a few specials on the board."

"How about you? Were you 'locally raised'?"

'Have a little patience, Sir - We're not machines...'

'I didn't find a finger in my chili!'

'Too much information! I prefer not knowing my lobster's name was Sigmund.'

'Waiter, is it raining?' ] 'Sorry, not my table.'

"Would you like any suburbs, or just the check?"