Dining Humorists Gifts

"May we see your kids' menu please?"

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

"Your soup is delicious. The broth perfectly compliments the font."

'For a small extra charge, we can provide a specially-formulated digestive enzyme.'

"Fresh pepper spray?"

"Bottled, tap or toilet water?"

'Our chickens are a real 'come back' story: raised organic, they hooked up with some seedy fowl, but then, thankfully, were saved by massive doses of antibiotics.'

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"

'The Specials are the same as the Main Menu dishes, but with more florid descriptions.'

"The finger bowl is courtesy of the gentleman."

"Did you order the flying jalapeños?"

Do-it-yourself sushi bar serves live fish to customer.

"Perhaps we should cleanse our palates first?"

'Your fingers are in the soup?' - 'Of course they are. It's freezing in that kitchen.'

'Waiter, I think my wife's calamari is underdone.'

"No. I wouldn't 'like to see the cheese menu'. And I don't appreciate the stereotyping!"

'What do you have that hasn't been cloned?'

All you can eat chicken $3.95: "Cooked is 20 dollars extra."

'I'd like to order, please.' - 'Okay, what's your table number?' - 'I don't know.' - 'Find it, weak-minded fool!!' - 'What's our table number?' - 'There is no table number.' - 'There is no table number.' - 'You should have been assigned a table number whe

AS about Today's Specials' - 'Whatever didn't sell yesterday.'

'If you mean Janet, she works the late shift.'

"You're in luck. A slot for you just opened up in our kitchen."

'I just come here for the ambiance. The food's lousy, so ordered a pizza be delivered.'

"In addition to the menu, we have a few specials on the board."

'Have a little patience, Sir - We're not machines...'

'Too much information! I prefer not knowing my lobster's name was Sigmund.'

'I didn't find a finger in my chili!'

'What's your thumb doing on my steak?' 'Want me to drop it again?'

"Chicken on a bend of spinach and onions?"

'I'll have the frogs legs - and make sure they're kneeling.'

Menu. Everything looks so delicious! Thank you!

There's a strange mist over my food. You never heard of pea soup fog?

"How about you? Were you 'locally raised'?"

'Waiter, is it raining?' ] 'Sorry, not my table.'