Dining Experience Humorist Gifts

"Table five looks good. We’ll have that."

'What do you suggest other than sex with you?'

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

"Two burgers, two fries, two martinis—and we'll have those to go."

"Your soup is delicious. The broth perfectly compliments the font."

'For a small extra charge, we can provide a specially-formulated digestive enzyme.'

"Fresh pepper spray?"

"Bottled, tap or toilet water?"

'Your fingers are in the soup?' - 'Of course they are. It's freezing in that kitchen.'

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"

"Did you order the flying jalapeños?"

"The finger bowl is courtesy of the gentleman."

Do-it-yourself sushi bar serves live fish to customer.

'Our chickens are a real 'come back' story: raised organic, they hooked up with some seedy fowl, but then, thankfully, were saved by massive doses of antibiotics.'

'Waiter, I think my wife's calamari is underdone.'

"May we see your kids' menu please?"

'If you mean Janet, she works the late shift.'

"You're in luck. A slot for you just opened up in our kitchen."

All you can eat chicken $3.95: "Cooked is 20 dollars extra."

AS about Today's Specials' - 'Whatever didn't sell yesterday.'

'I'd like to order, please.' - 'Okay, what's your table number?' - 'I don't know.' - 'Find it, weak-minded fool!!' - 'What's our table number?' - 'There is no table number.' - 'There is no table number.' - 'You should have been assigned a table number whe

'I just come here for the ambiance. The food's lousy, so ordered a pizza be delivered.'

"Waiter! - this soup tastes funny!"

"Chicken on a bend of spinach and onions?"

'What's your thumb doing on my steak?' 'Want me to drop it again?'

'Too much information! I prefer not knowing my lobster's name was Sigmund.'

'Have a little patience, Sir - We're not machines...'

'I'll have the frogs legs - and make sure they're kneeling.'

"In addition to the menu, we have a few specials on the board."

'I didn't find a finger in my chili!'

"How about you? Were you 'locally raised'?"

"I am off duty, but the body cam allows me to discreetly take photos of my meal."

'Waiter, is it raining?' ] 'Sorry, not my table.'

"Would you like any suburbs, or just the check?"

'Can you give me a few minutes, Waiter? I can't run on a full stomach.'