Dining Out Humorist Gifts

Table for one? Table for five. Four other wild animals will be joining me shortly.

'For a small extra charge, we can provide a specially-formulated digestive enzyme.'

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

"Two burgers, two fries, two martinis—and we'll have those to go."

"Fresh pepper spray?"

'Our chickens are a real 'come back' story: raised organic, they hooked up with some seedy fowl, but then, thankfully, were saved by massive doses of antibiotics.'

"Perhaps we should cleanse our palates first?"

"No. I wouldn't 'like to see the cheese menu'. And I don't appreciate the stereotyping!"

All you can eat chicken $3.95: "Cooked is 20 dollars extra."

"May we see your kids' menu please?"

'If you mean Janet, she works the late shift.'

'I just come here for the ambiance. The food's lousy, so ordered a pizza be delivered.'

'I'll have the frogs legs - and make sure they're kneeling.'

'This isn't soup of the day. Today's Tuesday.'

'I didn't find a finger in my chili!'

Menu. Everything looks so delicious! Thank you!

There's a strange mist over my food. You never heard of pea soup fog?

"How about you? Were you 'locally raised'?"

'Waiter, is it raining?' ] 'Sorry, not my table.'

"Would you like any suburbs, or just the check?"

Lunch Broker

"You folks like a little something?"

"Oh, don't worry about that—it only goes off when someone taps 'no tip.'"

'Self service.' 'How much do I tip myself?'

"Knife...fork..."

Bob ordered the breakfast special of bacon with two eggs served any way he wanted.

Please be gentle, waiter. This is my first salad. I'm sorry, sir, but there's a reason they call it "roughage."

"Barkeeper! More chick-peas!"

"Table five looks good. We’ll have that."

"Waiter, there are needles in my stew."

'The house wine sir.'

Today's special - Ox tail soup.

'Sorry,Sir - we only have the one.'

'Tartar sauce?! Heaven no. My dentist would kill me.'

'I'll have 40 percent of what he's having.'