Dine-out Humorist Gifts

The last word in Alphabet Soup.

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

"Two burgers, two fries, two martinis—and we'll have those to go."

'For a small extra charge, we can provide a specially-formulated digestive enzyme.'

"Fresh pepper spray?"

"May we see your kids' menu please?"

'If you mean Janet, she works the late shift.'

All you can eat chicken $3.95: "Cooked is 20 dollars extra."

'I just come here for the ambiance. The food's lousy, so ordered a pizza be delivered.'

"Waiter! - this soup tastes funny!"

'This isn't soup of the day. Today's Tuesday.'

Menu. Everything looks so delicious! Thank you!

'I'll have the frogs legs - and make sure they're kneeling.'

"How about you? Were you 'locally raised'?"

There's a strange mist over my food. You never heard of pea soup fog?

'I didn't find a finger in my chili!'

"Would you like any suburbs, or just the check?"

Bob ordered the breakfast special of bacon with two eggs served any way he wanted.

Please be gentle, waiter. This is my first salad. I'm sorry, sir, but there's a reason they call it "roughage."

"You folks like a little something?"

"Oh, don't worry about that—it only goes off when someone taps 'no tip.'"

Lunch Broker

'Self service.' 'How much do I tip myself?'

"Knife...fork..."

'Sorry,Sir - we only have the one.'

'The house wine sir.'

"Table five looks good. We’ll have that."

'Freezer is on the blink.'

"Waiter, there are needles in my stew."

Today's special - Ox tail soup.

'I'll have 40 percent of what he's having.'

'Tartar sauce?! Heaven no. My dentist would kill me.'

'Can you recommend something good that won't look too fattening to passers-by?'

"... And would sir like a straw with that?"

Please note that our menu items have changed. For starters, press or say 1. For main courses, press or say 2. For desserts, ..........'