Eating Out Humorist Gifts

'Sorry,Sir - we only have the one.'

"War is hell and so is this soup."

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

'Be honest. Does this double bacon cheeseburger with large fries and shake make me look fat?'

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

'For a small extra charge, we can provide a specially-formulated digestive enzyme.'

"I'll have the spaghetti, does that come on toast?"

'I think it's more than a coincidence that I discover fire, and my wife discovers burnt food on the same day.'

Garlic Free Zone.

"The salad should be delicious. We ordered it with lots of extra bacon bits."

"Fresh pepper spray?"

"Waiter, there's a hare in my salad!"

'I take it that the birthday cake is for this old trout you just served me?'

'Look, I know it's artificial orange, but you're sick, I say, sick.'

'Our chickens are a real 'come back' story: raised organic, they hooked up with some seedy fowl, but then, thankfully, were saved by massive doses of antibiotics.'

'Remember to eat your 500,000 a day son!'

'Mustard, ketchup and mayo are all nice and creamy smooth. Why isn't anything being done about relish?'

Cupcake jumps out of cake.

'Well you said you wanted sushi for lunch.'

"If we crunch the numbers, it should have zero calories."

The leaning tower of Pizza.

"Cut down on the pumpkin spice."

"I'm having friends over for dominoes, so everyone needs to clear out of the kitchen."

Vegetarian Restaurant: Choose Your Own Cabbage

"No. I wouldn't 'like to see the cheese menu'. And I don't appreciate the stereotyping!"

"I'm starving! How long will dinner be?"

"I just explained 'kugel' to him."

'Waiter, you seem to have mixed my bill up with somebody who wants to buy this restaurant.'

'...or, if you're watching your cholesterol, we also have thousand-year-old egg substitutes.'

Source of Information

"My mum's favourite recipes are: birch with mayonnaise, oak with tomato sauce, hazel with Dijon mustard, beech with salt and pepper and pine with soy sauce..."