Eating Out Humorist Gifts

'Sorry,Sir - we only have the one.'

"War is hell and so is this soup."

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

'Be honest. Does this double bacon cheeseburger with large fries and shake make me look fat?'

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

"I'll have the spaghetti, does that come on toast?"

'I think it's more than a coincidence that I discover fire, and my wife discovers burnt food on the same day.'

'For a small extra charge, we can provide a specially-formulated digestive enzyme.'

I'm freshwater. Make it a margarita without salt.

Garlic Free Zone.

"The salad should be delicious. We ordered it with lots of extra bacon bits."

"Fresh pepper spray?"

"Waiter, there's a hare in my salad!"

'Barb had her stomach replaced with a mouse's stomach to help her eat less.'

'I take it that the birthday cake is for this old trout you just served me?'

'Look, I know it's artificial orange, but you're sick, I say, sick.'

'Our chickens are a real 'come back' story: raised organic, they hooked up with some seedy fowl, but then, thankfully, were saved by massive doses of antibiotics.'

'Remember to eat your 500,000 a day son!'

'Mustard, ketchup and mayo are all nice and creamy smooth. Why isn't anything being done about relish?'

'Well you said you wanted sushi for lunch.'

"Perhaps we should cleanse our palates first?"

"If we crunch the numbers, it should have zero calories."

Debbie greatly misinterpreted the marriage counselor's suggestion that she and Tom have a monthly 'date night.'

Cupcake jumps out of cake.

The leaning tower of Pizza.

Man with a pizza in 'Lover's Lane.'

"No. I wouldn't 'like to see the cheese menu'. And I don't appreciate the stereotyping!"

"I'm starving! How long will dinner be?"

"I'm having friends over for dominoes, so everyone needs to clear out of the kitchen."

"Cut down on the pumpkin spice."

Vegetarian Restaurant: Choose Your Own Cabbage

"I just explained 'kugel' to him."

'Waiter, you seem to have mixed my bill up with somebody who wants to buy this restaurant.'

"My mum's favourite recipes are: birch with mayonnaise, oak with tomato sauce, hazel with Dijon mustard, beech with salt and pepper and pine with soy sauce..."

"You secretly watch BBQ shows??! You pervert!!!"