Dining Out Comedian Gifts

Today's special - Ox tail soup.

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

'For a small extra charge, we can provide a specially-formulated digestive enzyme.'

"Fresh pepper spray?"

"May we see your kids' menu please?"

All you can eat chicken $3.95: "Cooked is 20 dollars extra."

'I just come here for the ambiance. The food's lousy, so ordered a pizza be delivered.'

"How about you? Were you 'locally raised'?"

'This isn't soup of the day. Today's Tuesday.'

'I'll have the frogs legs - and make sure they're kneeling.'

"Would you like any suburbs, or just the check?"

"I'm getting something to speed things up, Jenkins. A skateboard."

"You folks like a little something?"

"Oh, don't worry about that—it only goes off when someone taps 'no tip.'"

'Self service.' 'How much do I tip myself?'

'I'm glad I don't like spinach because if I liked it I'd eat it and I hate the stuff!'

'How many times have I told you not to talk with your mouth full?'

"Table five looks good. We’ll have that."

'Sorry,Sir - we only have the one.'

'The house wine sir.'

"Waiter, there are needles in my stew."

'Freezer is on the blink.'

'I'll have 40 percent of what he's having.'

'Can you recommend something good that won't look too fattening to passers-by?'

When Barry decided to start a campaign for gum control.

'If I'm not mistaken; aren't these the left-overs from last night's left-overs, from...'

'I don't eat red meat.' 'This is green.'

'Yes, I'd like something to wash this wine down with!'

'Is everything O.K.?'

'Yon lad's got a chip on his shoulder.' 'Aye, he's certainly a messy eater.'

Please note that our menu items have changed. For starters, press or say 1. For main courses, press or say 2. For desserts, ..........'