Dining Out Comedian Gifts

Today's special - Ox tail soup.

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

'For a small extra charge, we can provide a specially-formulated digestive enzyme.'

"Fresh pepper spray?"

All you can eat chicken $3.95: "Cooked is 20 dollars extra."

"May we see your kids' menu please?"

'I just come here for the ambiance. The food's lousy, so ordered a pizza be delivered.'

"How about you? Were you 'locally raised'?"

'This isn't soup of the day. Today's Tuesday.'

There's a strange mist over my food. You never heard of pea soup fog?

Menu. Everything looks so delicious! Thank you!

'I'll have the frogs legs - and make sure they're kneeling.'

"Would you like any suburbs, or just the check?"

"I'm getting something to speed things up, Jenkins. A skateboard."

Please be gentle, waiter. This is my first salad. I'm sorry, sir, but there's a reason they call it "roughage."

"You folks like a little something?"

"Oh, don't worry about that—it only goes off when someone taps 'no tip.'"

'Self service.' 'How much do I tip myself?'

'I'm glad I don't like spinach because if I liked it I'd eat it and I hate the stuff!'

You short-changed me when I paid for my drink last week. Are you sure? Of course I'm sure. You gave me change for $10, but I now I gave you more than a ten-dollar bill. Sorry about that. How much did you give me? I distinctly remember I had nothing but $1,000 bills in my wallet. Not falling for it.

'Sorry,Sir - we only have the one.'

"Table five looks good. We’ll have that."

"Waiter, there are needles in my stew."

'Freezer is on the blink.'

'The house wine sir.'

'How many times have I told you not to talk with your mouth full?'

'I'll have 40 percent of what he's having.'

'Can you recommend something good that won't look too fattening to passers-by?'

When Barry decided to start a campaign for gum control.

'If it tastes just like chicken... I'd rather have chicken.'

'Yes, I'd like something to wash this wine down with!'

'What's the soup of the day?' 'Heinz.'

'I don't eat red meat.' 'This is green.'

'Yon lad's got a chip on his shoulder.' 'Aye, he's certainly a messy eater.'

Please note that our menu items have changed. For starters, press or say 1. For main courses, press or say 2. For desserts, ..........'