Dining Humorist Gifts

"Who ordered the Manhattan?"

"Would you like any suburbs, or just the check?"

"Fresh pepper spray?"

'I just come here for the ambiance. The food's lousy, so ordered a pizza be delivered.'

Waiter says to customer: 'Yes sir, that is the seafood platter. If you wanted something on it you should have said.'

"Waiter, there are needles in my stew."

'I'll have the table scraps and my friend will have the table legs.'

'Yes, I'd like something to wash this wine down with!'

Life on Earth - Vintage cola.

'I'll have the frogs legs - and make sure they're kneeling.'

'Is everything O.K.?'

'Yon lad's got a chip on his shoulder.' 'Aye, he's certainly a messy eater.'

Please note that our menu items have changed. For starters, press or say 1. For main courses, press or say 2. For desserts, ..........'

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

"How about you? Were you 'locally raised'?"

"Do you want to be vaguely dissatisfied with Italian or Korean?"

"Your soup is delicious. The broth perfectly compliments the font."

'For a small extra charge, we can provide a specially-formulated digestive enzyme.'

"Bottled, tap or toilet water?"

"The finger bowl is courtesy of the gentleman."

Do-it-yourself sushi bar serves live fish to customer.

'Our chickens are a real 'come back' story: raised organic, they hooked up with some seedy fowl, but then, thankfully, were saved by massive doses of antibiotics.'

'Your fingers are in the soup?' - 'Of course they are. It's freezing in that kitchen.'

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"

'Waiter, I think my wife's calamari is underdone.'

"No. I wouldn't 'like to see the cheese menu'. And I don't appreciate the stereotyping!"

"You're in luck. A slot for you just opened up in our kitchen."

AS about Today's Specials' - 'Whatever didn't sell yesterday.'

'I'd like to order, please.' - 'Okay, what's your table number?' - 'I don't know.' - 'Find it, weak-minded fool!!' - 'What's our table number?' - 'There is no table number.' - 'There is no table number.' - 'You should have been assigned a table number whe

All you can eat chicken $3.95: "Cooked is 20 dollars extra."

"May we see your kids' menu please?"

'If you mean Janet, she works the late shift.'

"Waiter! - this soup tastes funny!"

'Too much information! I prefer not knowing my lobster's name was Sigmund.'

'Have a little patience, Sir - We're not machines...'