Dining Table Humorist Gifts

'We don't have any seafood, sir, but I could soak some pork in salt water for you.'

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

'For a small extra charge, we can provide a specially-formulated digestive enzyme.'

"Fresh pepper spray?"

Selfish shellfish - 'You kids share your food and stop being shellfish!'

'Our chickens are a real 'come back' story: raised organic, they hooked up with some seedy fowl, but then, thankfully, were saved by massive doses of antibiotics.'

"Perhaps we should cleanse our palates first?"

"No. I wouldn't 'like to see the cheese menu'. And I don't appreciate the stereotyping!"

"May we see your kids' menu please?"

'If you mean Janet, she works the late shift.'

All you can eat chicken $3.95: "Cooked is 20 dollars extra."

'I just come here for the ambiance. The food's lousy, so ordered a pizza be delivered.'

"Waiter! - this soup tastes funny!"

'I'll have the frogs legs - and make sure they're kneeling.'

'What's your thumb doing on my steak?' 'Want me to drop it again?'

"Chicken on a bend of spinach and onions?"

'I didn't find a finger in my chili!'

Menu. Everything looks so delicious! Thank you!

There's a strange mist over my food. You never heard of pea soup fog?

"How about you? Were you 'locally raised'?"

"Would you like any suburbs, or just the check?"

"You folks like a little something?"

'Self service.' 'How much do I tip myself?'

"Oh, don't worry about that—it only goes off when someone taps 'no tip.'"

'Do you happen to have a scratch-and-sniff menu?'

"Knife...fork..."

Please visit www.frtn_cookie.com.

Bob ordered the breakfast special of bacon with two eggs served any way he wanted.

Please be gentle, waiter. This is my first salad. I'm sorry, sir, but there's a reason they call it "roughage."

'I'm glad I don't like spinach because if I liked it I'd eat it and I hate the stuff!'

"Waiter, there are needles in my stew."

"Table five looks good. We’ll have that."

"Barkeeper! More chick-peas!"

'Freezer is on the blink.'

'What's the special?'