Dinner Table Humorist Gifts

'Eat your vegetables, or you'll go mad like your father!'

"Waiter! - this soup tastes funny!"

The Abbot scowls at me when I give the blessing. Talk about grace under pressure.

What's for dinner? Leftunders!

'Everyone loves Christmas...except the turkey!'

'He was letting the wine breathe. But it got a whiff of his cologne and suddenly died.'

'If God had meant for me to eat Brussels sprouts, He would've put me in Belgium.'

'Your French dip, sir.'

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

'For a small extra charge, we can provide a specially-formulated digestive enzyme.'

"Fresh pepper spray?"

Selfish shellfish - 'You kids share your food and stop being shellfish!'

'If you mean Janet, she works the late shift.'

All you can eat chicken $3.95: "Cooked is 20 dollars extra."

"May we see your kids' menu please?"

'I just come here for the ambiance. The food's lousy, so ordered a pizza be delivered.'

Menu. Everything looks so delicious! Thank you!

There's a strange mist over my food. You never heard of pea soup fog?

"I am off duty, but the body cam allows me to discreetly take photos of my meal."

'Do you have any wine from the Ming dynasty?'

'I'll have the frogs legs - and make sure they're kneeling.'

"How about you? Were you 'locally raised'?"

'I didn't find a finger in my chili!'

"Would you like any suburbs, or just the check?"

Please visit www.frtn_cookie.com.

'Do you happen to have a scratch-and-sniff menu?'

"Knife...fork..."

"You folks like a little something?"

"Oh, don't worry about that—it only goes off when someone taps 'no tip.'"

'Self service.' 'How much do I tip myself?'

Please be gentle, waiter. This is my first salad. I'm sorry, sir, but there's a reason they call it "roughage."

Bob ordered the breakfast special of bacon with two eggs served any way he wanted.

'I'm glad I don't like spinach because if I liked it I'd eat it and I hate the stuff!'

"Waiter, there are needles in my stew."

'How many times have I told you not to talk with your mouth full?'