Dinner Table Humorist Pillows

'Eat your vegetables, or you'll go mad like your father!'

"Waiter! - this soup tastes funny!"

'Everyone loves Christmas...except the turkey!'

'He was letting the wine breathe. But it got a whiff of his cologne and suddenly died.'

'If God had meant for me to eat Brussels sprouts, He would've put me in Belgium.'

'Your French dip, sir.'

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

'For a small extra charge, we can provide a specially-formulated digestive enzyme.'

"Fresh pepper spray?"

Selfish shellfish - 'You kids share your food and stop being shellfish!'

All you can eat chicken $3.95: "Cooked is 20 dollars extra."

'If you mean Janet, she works the late shift.'

"May we see your kids' menu please?"

'I just come here for the ambiance. The food's lousy, so ordered a pizza be delivered.'

"How about you? Were you 'locally raised'?"

"I am off duty, but the body cam allows me to discreetly take photos of my meal."

'I'll have the frogs legs - and make sure they're kneeling.'

'Do you have any wine from the Ming dynasty?'

'I didn't find a finger in my chili!'

"Would you like any suburbs, or just the check?"

'Self service.' 'How much do I tip myself?'

"Oh, don't worry about that—it only goes off when someone taps 'no tip.'"

"You folks like a little something?"

'Do you happen to have a scratch-and-sniff menu?'

Bob ordered the breakfast special of bacon with two eggs served any way he wanted.

'I'm glad I don't like spinach because if I liked it I'd eat it and I hate the stuff!'

'Freezer is on the blink.'

"Waiter, there are needles in my stew."

'How many times have I told you not to talk with your mouth full?'

'I'll have 40 percent of what he's having.'

'Tartar sauce?! Heaven no. My dentist would kill me.'

"We're gonna need a bigger gravy boat!"

When Barry decided to start a campaign for gum control.

'Can you recommend something good that won't look too fattening to passers-by?'

'If I'm not mistaken; aren't these the left-overs from last night's left-overs, from...'