Dinner Humorist Pillows

'Tartar sauce?! Heaven no. My dentist would kill me.'

Man claims his innocence of messy toilets to diners

'I didn't find a finger in my chili!'

'If you mean Janet, she works the late shift.'

"... And would sir like a straw with that?"

'Your French dip, sir.'

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

'For a small extra charge, we can provide a specially-formulated digestive enzyme.'

"Fresh pepper spray?"

All you can eat chicken $3.95: "Cooked is 20 dollars extra."

"May we see your kids' menu please?"

'Can't we have something other than curry for a change?'

'I just come here for the ambiance. The food's lousy, so ordered a pizza be delivered.'

"Waiter! - this soup tastes funny!"

"How about you? Were you 'locally raised'?"

"I am off duty, but the body cam allows me to discreetly take photos of my meal."

'I'll have the frogs legs - and make sure they're kneeling.'

'Do you have any wine from the Ming dynasty?'

"Would you like any suburbs, or just the check?"

'Self service.' 'How much do I tip myself?'

Bob ordered the breakfast special of bacon with two eggs served any way he wanted.

"Oh, don't worry about that—it only goes off when someone taps 'no tip.'"

"You folks like a little something?"

'Do you happen to have a scratch-and-sniff menu?'

'I'm glad I don't like spinach because if I liked it I'd eat it and I hate the stuff!'

'How many times have I told you not to talk with your mouth full?'

'Freezer is on the blink.'

"Table five looks good. We’ll have that."

"Waiter, there are needles in my stew."

'I'll have 40 percent of what he's having.'

'We had that last night.'

"We're gonna need a bigger gravy boat!"

'It's called Les Restes. It's French for leftovers.'

When Barry decided to start a campaign for gum control.

'Can you recommend something good that won't look too fattening to passers-by?'