Dinner Comedian Pillows

Accountancy ice-breakers.

'Your French dip, sir.'

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

"Fresh pepper spray?"

Selfish shellfish - 'You kids share your food and stop being shellfish!'

"May we see your kids' menu please?"

'If you mean Janet, she works the late shift.'

'No, I don't need a doggy bag, but how about a kitty bag?'

All you can eat chicken $3.95: "Cooked is 20 dollars extra."

'I just come here for the ambiance. The food's lousy, so ordered a pizza be delivered.'

"Waiter! - this soup tastes funny!"

'I'll have the frogs legs - and make sure they're kneeling.'

'I didn't find a finger in my chili!'

"How about you? Were you 'locally raised'?"

'Do you have any wine from the Ming dynasty?'

"Would you like any suburbs, or just the check?"

'Self service.' 'How much do I tip myself?'

Bob ordered the breakfast special of bacon with two eggs served any way he wanted.

'Do you happen to have a scratch-and-sniff menu?'

"Oh, don't worry about that—it only goes off when someone taps 'no tip.'"

"You folks like a little something?"

'I'm glad I don't like spinach because if I liked it I'd eat it and I hate the stuff!'

'Freezer is on the blink.'

"Waiter, there are needles in my stew."

'How many times have I told you not to talk with your mouth full?'

Today's special - Ox tail soup.

'I'll have 40 percent of what he's having.'

'Tartar sauce?! Heaven no. My dentist would kill me.'

"Ryan, are you giving your vegetables to the Roomba again?"

When Barry decided to start a campaign for gum control.

'Can you recommend something good that won't look too fattening to passers-by?'

"We're gonna need a bigger gravy boat!"