Dining Comedian Pillows

'I'll have 40 percent of what he's having.'

"You folks like a little something?"

"Oh, don't worry about that—it only goes off when someone taps 'no tip.'"

When Barry decided to start a campaign for gum control.

'Self service.' 'How much do I tip myself?'

'Can you recommend something good that won't look too fattening to passers-by?'

Who ordered the tap water?

'Waiter there's a fly in my soup.' 'One moment Sir, I'll just fetch Mr Obama.'

A green pea on the tine of a fork

'I think I've got one, Doris!'

All you can eat chicken $3.95: "Cooked is 20 dollars extra."

''ere - I thought you said your pans were non-stick!'

Night of the Latkes

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

"That’s a toaster. It’s a tanning bed for bread."

'For a small extra charge, we can provide a specially-formulated digestive enzyme.'

"Fresh pepper spray?"

'Anybody for breakfast?'

'If you mean Janet, she works the late shift.'

"May we see your kids' menu please?"

'I just come here for the ambiance. The food's lousy, so ordered a pizza be delivered.'

"Chicken on a bend of spinach and onions?"

'I didn't find a finger in my chili!'

'What's your thumb doing on my steak?' 'Want me to drop it again?'

"Tell me, is a single spaghetti a spaghetus or what?"

"How about you? Were you 'locally raised'?"

'I'll have the frogs legs - and make sure they're kneeling.'

"Would you like any suburbs, or just the check?"

"I'm getting something to speed things up, Jenkins. A skateboard."

Microwave - 'Table 19 sends compliments to the chef!'

'When it comes to our Boef flambe safety is paramount.'

"Corned beef and cabbage"

'I'm glad I don't like spinach because if I liked it I'd eat it and I hate the stuff!'

'Freezer is on the blink.'

'Well, she ate the apple -- I SAID you should have the whole thing catered.'