Dining Comedy Pillows

"Would you like finicky or non-finicky?"

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

"Fresh pepper spray?"

'What do you have that hasn't been cloned?'

All you can eat chicken $3.95: "Cooked is 20 dollars extra."

"Tonight, we'll be eating hot dogs with a mustard-ketchup-and-pickle purée, accompanied by peas lightly sprinkled with ketchup. Then fettuccine al dente with a ketchup sauce, followed by applesauce maison with a dollop of you know what!"

"May we see your kids' menu please?"

'I just come here for the ambiance. The food's lousy, so ordered a pizza be delivered.'

"Chicken on a bend of spinach and onions?"

"How about you? Were you 'locally raised'?"

There's a strange mist over my food. You never heard of pea soup fog?

Menu. Everything looks so delicious! Thank you!

'What's your thumb doing on my steak?' 'Want me to drop it again?'

'I'll have the frogs legs - and make sure they're kneeling.'

'Waiter, is it raining?' ] 'Sorry, not my table.'

"Would you like any suburbs, or just the check?"

"You folks like a little something?"

"Oh, don't worry about that—it only goes off when someone taps 'no tip.'"

'Self service.' 'How much do I tip myself?'

Chicken and noodles.

"I'm getting something to speed things up, Jenkins. A skateboard."

Please be gentle, waiter. This is my first salad. I'm sorry, sir, but there's a reason they call it "roughage."

The Second-to-last Supper.

You short-changed me when I paid for my drink last week. Are you sure? Of course I'm sure. You gave me change for $10, but I now I gave you more than a ten-dollar bill. Sorry about that. How much did you give me? I distinctly remember I had nothing but $1,000 bills in my wallet. Not falling for it.

'What's the special?'

"Waiter, there are needles in my stew."

'The house wine sir.'

'Boy, when they say one trip salad bar, they MEAN one trip salad bar!'

'Sorry, smile's off...'

'I'll have 40 percent of what he's having.'

"In lieu of a tip, can one of you take a shift for me?"

When Barry decided to start a campaign for gum control.

'Can you recommend something good that won't look too fattening to passers-by?'

Please note that our menu items have changed. For starters, press or say 1. For main courses, press or say 2. For desserts, ..........'