Dining Comedy Fan Pillows

'And you'll be seated at the head table!'

"Monsieur, si vous plaît. I'm sure I ordered the fusilli and not the Fusilier."

'I started out washing dishes, but when the dishwater tasted better than the soup...'

"Great job of acting! You really appeared excited about Aunt May's 'famous' green bean casserole."

Recipes from The Lying Gourmet

'Now time for a coffee while hubby cleans up the mess.'

Restaurant menu board: 'Day old - 2 day old - 3 day old'

"Don't panic, she'll be back. We lock the washroom windows from the outside."

"Monsieur has just ordered a vasectomy..."

All you can eat chicken $3.95: "Cooked is 20 dollars extra."

'In case of fire, don't panic. Pay your bill then leave.'

'I hate it when they order scrambled eggs.' (chef shaking chicken).

"Hmmm, I'm not sure – I’ll ask our chef when he sobers up."

Road Kill Cafe.

"Chicken on a bend of spinach and onions?"

"Apologies for the delay. Your eggs Benedict should be up soon."

'What's your thumb doing on my steak?' 'Want me to drop it again?'

"Oh, don't worry about that—it only goes off when someone taps 'no tip.'"

"Say hello to my little friend!"

JERRY SPRINGER'S GUESTS TODAY

"I try not to be picky, but this meal is a bit too sticky!"

Bob ordered the breakfast special of bacon with two eggs served any way he wanted.

Russian eggs.

Cedric instantly regretted 'pumping up the jam...'

"I'm getting something to speed things up, Jenkins. A skateboard."

'Self service.' 'How much do I tip myself?'

"With this table monitor, you can watch the chefs prepare your meal. Look, another slice of frozen lasagna being microwaved."

"You folks like a little something?"

The Second-to-last Supper.

"Fancy a take-a-way tonight ?"

'Sorry...I forgot to mention i'm Dishlexic.'

"Well, I just assumed you wanted your toast like your coffee."

'What's the special?'

Operating table.