Comedy Diner Fan Pillows

Bob ordered the breakfast special of bacon with two eggs served any way he wanted.

'Actually I'm a nerdivore. I only eat your lamer plants and animals: duckbill platypi, cumquats, daffodils, the occasional mudshark.'

"The Knuckle Sandwich is good."

"Don't panic, she'll be back. We lock the washroom windows from the outside."

"Be right with you - just need to call for a tow truck and change today's 'Catch of the Day' to venison."

'In case of fire, don't panic. Pay your bill then leave.'

All you can eat chicken $3.95: "Cooked is 20 dollars extra."

Alan Davies.

"Oh, don't worry about that—it only goes off when someone taps 'no tip.'"

'The waitress gave us a weird look. On the way back, I'd better drive and you can stick your head out the window.'

Full Moon Diner

"You folks like a little something?"

"I'm getting something to speed things up, Jenkins. A skateboard."

'Self service.' 'How much do I tip myself?'

'Waiter there's a mouse in my soup.'

You're on, caller. What's your problem? How do I get rid of a tenant so I can charge more rent? I get that question all the time. First, find out if your property is rent-controlled. If it is, go back in time to the moment you decided to rent it out and slap yourself. You have no business being a landlord, you greedy #%$*! What kind of music did the army use to get Noriega to leave Panama?

This fly's backstroke is atrocious. It will be reflected in his tip.

'You want a pizza with everything -- Do you comprehend the philosophical implications of that'

Armstrong, we're out of napkins. Now we're not. Have you checked where we keep the spares? What spares? The ones in the round pantry. Are you referring to the trash can? You say "tomatoes," I say "organic multivitamins for sale."

Today's Special: Escargot Appetizer

"Combination No. 5--no MSG."

You short-changed me when I paid for my drink last week. Are you sure? Of course I'm sure. You gave me change for $10, but I now I gave you more than a ten-dollar bill. Sorry about that. How much did you give me? I distinctly remember I had nothing but $1,000 bills in my wallet. Not falling for it.

'Do you have anything that's not fried?'

"It says. . . 'That wasn't chicken.'"

'I'll have 40 percent of what he's having.'

'We're all out of socks, - how about a nice slipper instead?'

"Officer, wrong number."

"I don't think the new guy is working out."

When Barry decided to start a campaign for gum control.

'Take no notice, I fired him ten minutes ago.'

'Can you recommend something good that won't look too fattening to passers-by?'

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The soup was quite filling

'I think I've got one, Doris!'

A waiter says:'You guys know you're supposed to text me when you're ready right?' the patrons are dead . . .