Dining Out Comedy Pillows

'I don't eat red meat.' 'This is green.'

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

'For a small extra charge, we can provide a specially-formulated digestive enzyme.'

"Did you order the flying jalapeños?"

'What do you have that hasn't been cloned?'

All you can eat chicken $3.95: "Cooked is 20 dollars extra."

"Tonight, we'll be eating hot dogs with a mustard-ketchup-and-pickle purée, accompanied by peas lightly sprinkled with ketchup. Then fettuccine al dente with a ketchup sauce, followed by applesauce maison with a dollop of you know what!"

"May we see your kids' menu please?"

"Chicken on a bend of spinach and onions?"

"Please be advised that our new chef's policy is that you're not allowed to leave until you've finished all the food on your plate."

'This isn't soup of the day. Today's Tuesday.'

'What's your thumb doing on my steak?' 'Want me to drop it again?'

'Waiter, is it raining?' ] 'Sorry, not my table.'

'Self service.' 'How much do I tip myself?'

"I'm getting something to speed things up, Jenkins. A skateboard."

"Oh, don't worry about that—it only goes off when someone taps 'no tip.'"

"You folks like a little something?"

Lunch Broker

'The house wine sir.'

'What's the special?'

Today's special - Ox tail soup.

'Sorry, smile's off...'

'A fly in your soup, eh? -- Call me if it gets any worse.'

'I'll have 40 percent of what he's having.'

"Expect a generous gratuity on table 9...I hacked his tip calculator."

'Can you recommend something good that won't look too fattening to passers-by?'

When Barry decided to start a campaign for gum control.

"In lieu of a tip, can one of you take a shift for me?"

"You're a very interesting waiter, but don't you have any other tables to take care of?"

'I think I've got one, Doris!'

"Excuse me, my bowl and glass seem to be stuck to the table."

"Would you like finicky or non-finicky?"

A waiter says:'You guys know you're supposed to text me when you're ready right?' the patrons are dead . . .

The last word in Alphabet Soup.

"Is the rabbit cute?"